“Why _does_ he stay away so? I almost wish I could think it was coldness or diminished affection; for I fear something worse; something to make _him_ wretched. Those dreadful words papa spoke before he was afflicted! words I will never put on paper; but they ring in my ears still; they appal me: and then found at their very door! Ah! and I knew I _should_ find him near that house. And now _he_ keeps away.” _“Dec. 9th._--All day trying to comfort mamma. She made a great effort and wrote to Mrs. Beresford.” POOR MAMMA'S LETTER “DEAR MADAM,--Your kind and valued letter reached us in deep affliction; and I am little able to reply to you as you deserve. My poor husband is very ill; so ill that he no longer remembers the past, neither the brave acts that have won him your esteem, nor even the face of his loving and unhappy wife, who now thanks you with many tears for your sweet letter. Heart-broken as my children and I are, we yet derive some consolation from it. We have tied the medal round his neck, madam, and thank you far more than we can find words to express. “In conclusion, I pray Heaven that, in your bitterest hour, you may find the consolation you have administered to us: no, no, I pray you may never, never stand in such need of comfort--I am dear madam, yours gratefully and sincerely, “LUCY DODD.” _“Dec. 10th, Sunday._--At St. Anne's in the morning. Tried hard to apply the sermon. He spoke of griefs, but _so_ coldly; surely he never felt one; _he_ was not there. Mem.: always pray against wandering thoughts on entering church.” _“Dec. 11th._--A diary is a dreadful thing. Everything must go down now, and, amongst the rest that the poor are selfish. I could not interest one of mine in mamma's sorrows; no, they must run back to their own little sordid troubles, about money and things. I was so provoked with Mrs. Jackson (she owes mamma so much) that I left her hastily; and that was Impatience. I had a mind to go back to her; but would not; and that was Pride. Where is my Christianity? “A kind letter from Jane Hardie. But no word of _him._” _“Dec. 12th._--To-day Edward told me plump I must not go on taking things out of the house for the poor: mamma gave me the reason. 'We are poor ourselves, thanks to----' And then she stopped. Does she suspect? How can she? She did hear not those two dreadful words of papa's? They are like two arrows in my heart. And so we are poor: she says we have scarcely anything to live upon after paying the two hundred and fifty pounds a year for papa.”