The Jonah as a Guardsman—A Midnight Uproar—“Put him in the Guard-house”—The Jonah Spills Pea-Soup, and Coffee, and Ink—Always Cooking—Steps on the Rails—Tableau—Jonah as a Wood-chopper—Beats—The Beat as a Fireman—Without Water, and Rations, and Money—His Letters Containing Money always Miscarry—Allotments—The Beat as a Guard Dodger—His Corporal Does the Duty—As a Fatigue Detail—Horse-Burying as a Civilizer for Jonahs and Beats—The Detail for the Burial—The Over-worked Man—The Rheumatic Dodge—The Sick Man—The Chief Mourner—The Explosive Man—The Paper-Collar Young Man—Forward, Grave-diggers!—Hurrah! Without the H 90 CHAPTER VII. ARMY RATIONS. Were They Adequate?—Their Quality—A List of Them—What was Included in a Single Ration—What was a Marching Ration?—Officers’ Allowance—The “Company Fund”—“Hardtack” Described—Its Faults Three in Number—Served in Twenty Different Ways—Song of the Hardtack—“Soft Bread”—The Capitol as a Bake-house—The Ovens at Alexandria and Fort Monroe—Grant’s Immense Bake-house at City Point—Coffee and Sugar—How Dealt Out—How Stored—Condensed Milk—Company Cooks—The Coffee-Dipper—The Typical Coffee-Boiler—Bivouac and Coffee—How the Government Beat the Speculators—How a Contractor Underbid Himself—Fresh Meat—How Served—Army Frying-Pans—Steak from a Steer’s Jaw-Bone—“Salt Horse” Not a Favorite Dish—Salt Pork and its Uses—The Army Bean—How it was Baked—Song of the Army Bean—Desiccated Vegetables—The Whiskey Ration—A Suggestion as to the Inadequacy of the Marching Ration 108 CHAPTER VIII. OFFENCES AND PUNISHMENTS. The Offences Enumerated—“Back Talk”—Absence from Camp without Leave—The Punishments—The Guard Tent—The Black List—Its Occupations—Buck and Gag—The Barrel and its Uses—The Crucifixion—The Wooden Horse—The Knapsack Drill—Tied up by the Thumbs—The Sweat-Box—The Placard—The Spare Wheel—Log-Lugging—Double Guard—The Model Regiment—Commanders often Tyrants by Nature, or from Effects of Rum, or Ignorance—A Regiment with Hundreds of Colonels—Inactivity Productive of Offences and Punishments—Kid-Glove Warfare—Drumming out of Camp—Rogue’s March—Ball and Chain—Sleeping on Post—Desertion—Death of a Deserter Described—Death of a Spy Described—Bounty-jumpers—Amnesty to Deserters—Desertion to Enemy—Hanging of Three Criminals at Once for this Offence Described—Number of Executions in the War 143 CHAPTER IX. A DAY IN CAMP. “ASSEMBLY OF BUGLERS.” “TURN OUT!” “ASSEMBLY.”