Harper's New Monthly Magazine, No. XXIII.—April, 1852.—Vol. IV.: NoneVarious
General
Harper's New Monthly Magazine, No. XXIII.—April, 1852.—Vol. IV.: None
Various
American literature -- Periodicals; Civilization -- Periodicals; Culture -- Periodicals
The old woman's face gradually softened. "Ah! he is a lovely boy," she
said; "but I don't love him--no, I don't," she repeated, vehemently. "If
I set my heart on him, he will die or turn out ill: take to the low ways
of his wretched mother, or die some horrible death. I steel my heart
against him, and shut him out from my calculations of the future. He is
a sweet boy: interesting, affectionate, lovely; but I will not allow
myself to love him, and I don't allow him to love me! But you ought to
see him. His hair is like my own daughter's--long, glossy, golden hair;
and his eyes are large and blue, and the lashes curl on his cheek like
heavy fringes. He is too pale and too thin: he looks sadly delicate; but
his wretched mother was a delicate little creature, and he has doubtless
inherited a world of disease and poor blood from her. I wish he was here
though, for you to see; but I keep him at school, for when he is much
with me, I feel myself beginning to be interested in him; and I do not
wish to love him--I do not wish to remember him at all! With that
delicate frame and nervous temperament, he _must_ die; and why should I
prepare fresh sorrow for myself, by taking him into my heart, only to
have him plucked out again by death?"
All this was said with the most passionate vehemence of manner, as if
she were defending herself against some unjust charge. I said something
in the way of remonstrance. Gently and respectfully, but firmly, I spoke
of the necessity for each soul to spiritualize its aspirations, and to
raise itself from the trammels of earth; and in speaking thus to her, I
felt my own burden lighten off my heart, and I acknowledged that I had
been both foolish and sinful in allowing my first disappointment to
shadow all the sunlight of my existence. I am not naturally of a
desponding disposition, and nothing but a blow as severe as the
non-success of my "Finding the Body of Harold by Torch-light" could have
affected me to the extent of mental prostration, as that under which I
was now laboring. But this was very hard to bear! My companion listened
to me with a kind of blank surprise, evidently unaccustomed to the
honesty of truth; but she bore my remarks patiently, and when I had
ended, she even thanked me for my advice.
"And now, tell me the cause of your melancholy face?" she asked, as we
were nearing Birmingham. "Your story can not be very long, and I shall
have just enough time to hear it."
I smiled at her authoritative tone, and said quietly: "I am an artist,
madam, and I had counted much on the success of my first historical
painting. It has failed, and I am both penniless and infamous. I
am the 'presumptuous dauber' of the critics--despised by my
creditors--emphatically a failure throughout."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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