Harper's New Monthly Magazine, Vol. II, No. X., March 1851Various
General
Harper's New Monthly Magazine, Vol. II, No. X., March 1851
Various
American literature -- Periodicals; Civilization -- Periodicals; Culture -- Periodicals
son of the criminal--wild, reckless, ripe for crime myself. Where was
the use of my reading and writing. These acquirements were disregarded
and scouted by those among whom I was thrust back to take my portion. I
could have read any chapter in the Bible now; and Nelly seemed as though
she would never know it. I was driven in upon my books; and few enough
of them I had. The peddlers brought them round in their packs, and I
bought what I could. I had the "Seven Champions," and the "Pilgrim's
Progress;" and both seemed to me equally wonderful, and equally founded
on fact. I got Byron's "Narrative," and Milton's "Paradise Lost;" but I
lacked the knowledge which would give a clew to all. Still they afforded
me pleasure, because they took me out of myself, and made me forget my
miserable position, and made me unconscious (for the time at least) of
my one great passion of hatred against Dick Jackson.
When Nelly was about seventeen her grandmother died. I stood aloof in
the church-yard, behind the great yew tree, and watched the funeral. It
was the first religious service that ever I heard; and, to my shame, as
I thought, it affected me to tears. The words seemed so peaceful and
holy that I longed to go to church, but I durst not, because I had never
been. The parish church was at Bolton, far enough away to serve as an
excuse for all who did not care to go. I heard Nelly's sobs filling up
every pause in the clergyman's voice; and every sob of hers went to my
heart. She passed me on her way out of the church-yard; she was so near
I might have touched her; but her head was hanging down, and I durst not
speak to her. Then the question arose, what was to become of her? She
must earn her living; was it to be as a farm-servant, or by working at
the mill? I knew enough of both kinds of life to make me tremble for
her. My wages were such as to enable me to marry, if I chose; and I
never thought of woman, for my wife, but Nelly. Still, I would not have
married her now, if I could; for, as yet, I had not risen up to the
character which I had determined it was fit that Nelly's husband should
have. When I was rich in good report, I would come forward, and take my
chance; but until then, I would hold my peace. I had faith in the power
of my long-continued, dogged, breasting of opinion. Sooner or later it
must, it should yield, and I be received among the ranks of good men.
But, meanwhile, what was to become of Nelly? I reckoned up my wages; I
went to inquire what the board of a girl would be, who should help her
in her household work, and live with her as her daughter, at the house
of one of the most decent women of the place; she looked at me
suspiciously. I kept down my temper, and told her I would never come
near the place; that I would keep away from that end of the village; and
that the girl for whom I made the inquiry should never know but what the
parish paid for her keep. It would not do; she suspected me; but I know
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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