College stories; College students -- Fiction; Harvard University -- Fiction; Short stories, American
Naturally enough, Hewitt’s sense of isolation was far less on these
solitary rambles of his, than when he jostled elbows in crowded
class-rooms with fellows who, he felt, were potentially his friends, at
the same time that he was realising how utterly excluded he was from
their schemes of life. Morbidness was foreign to a nature like his; and
yet, as time went on, he had been forced to regard Cambridge as most
satisfactory when deserted and asleep. It was only then that the forlorn
feeling of being no essential part of his surroundings often left him;
and although he recognised the weakness of strolling away from
unpleasant truths, the altogether unlooked-for state of affairs at
college had cowed him into temporary helplessness. That this furtive
condition was temporary, even he himself was in a measure aware; one
cannot but feel at college that after a certain time has passed, one’s
fellows, in spite of the plasticity of youth, become, if not solid, at
least viscous, in the moulds that have received them. There is an uneasy
period of ebullition in which boys try very hard to enjoy the things
that they do, in the absence of the self-poise that enables them to do
what they eventually find they enjoy. Intimacies are formed and broken;
habits are acquired and not broken; there is a weighing and a levelling,
and at last, toward the end of one’s sophomore year, almost everybody
has been made or marred or overlooked.
It was an intuition of something of this kind that led Hewitt, in his
more thoughtful moods, to realise that he was having his worst time now.
The great, ill-assorted crowd that technically composed his “class”
would shift and change and finally become, not satisfied, perhaps, with
the various combinations it had evolved, but certainly used to them.
After that, life at Harvard, Hewitt told himself, would be simplified
for him; the time for identifying one’s self with the companions of
one’s choice would have come and gone; he would find himself standing
alone. His future development would not be just what he had expected;
but there was peace in the thought that his position would be definite,
unalterable, and then, after all, he would be standing, and not running
away, as in the past year he had been so often tempted to do. Although
anything but a student, he could even fancy himself ploughing doggedly
in self-defence through an incredible number of courses in history, or
some such subject, and at the end pleasing his family with two or three
Latin words of a laudatory nature on his degree. Hewitt was too thinking
and too just a person not to have frequently contrasted his own
condition with that of fellows one occasionally heard about, who starved
their way through college on sums that would have made scarcely an
impression on his room-rent; their persistent “sandiness” compelled his
admiration; more than once he had given substantial expression to it.
But it was at best a very theoretical sort of consolation that came from
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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