Family life -- Fiction; Farm life -- Fiction; Marriage -- Fiction
For a long time after his wife's death Holcroft had felt that he did
not wish to see anyone who would make references to his loss.
He shrank from formal condolences as he would from the touch of a
diseased nerve. When the minister called, he listened politely but
silently to a general exhortation; then muttered, when left alone,
"It's all as he says, I suppose; but somehow his words are like the
medicines Bessie took--they don't do any good."
He kept up the form of his faith and a certain vague hope until the
night on which he drove forth the Irish revelers from his home. In
remembrance of his rage and profanity on that occasion, he silently and
in dreary misgiving concluded that he should not, even to himself, keep
up the pretense of religion any longer. "I've fallen from grace--that
is, if I ever had any"--was a thought which did much to rob him of
courage to meet his other trials. Whenever he dwelt on these subjects,
doubts, perplexities, and resentment at his misfortunes so thronged his
mind that he was appalled; so he strove to occupy himself with the
immediate present.
Today, however, in recalling the past, his thoughts would question the
future and the outcome of his experiences. In accordance with his
simple, downright nature, he muttered, "I might as well face the truth
and have done with it. I don't know whether I'll ever see my wife
again or not; I don't know whether God is for me or against me.
Sometimes, I half think there isn't any God. I don't know what will
become of me when I die. I'm sure of only one thing--while I do live I
could take comfort in working the old place."
In brief, without ever having heard of the term, he was an agnostic,
but not one of the self-complacent, superior type who fancy that they
have developed themselves beyond the trammels of faith and are ever
ready to make the world aware of their progress.
At last he recognized that his long reverie was leading to despondency
and weakness; he rose, shook himself half angrily, and strode toward
the house. "I'm here, and here I'm going to stay," he growled. "As long
as I'm on my own land, it's nobody's business what I am or how I feel.
If I can't get decent, sensible women help, I'll close up my dairy and
live here alone. I certainly can make enough to support myself."
Jane met him with a summons to dinner, looking apprehensively at his
stern, gloomy face. Mrs. Mumpson did not appear. "Call her," he said
curtly.
The literal Jane returned from the parlor and said unsympathetically,
"She's got a hank'chif to her eyes and says she don't want no dinner."
"Very well," he replied, much relieved.
Apparently he did not want much dinner, either, for he soon started out
again. Mrs. Wiggins was not utterly wanting in the intuitions of her
sex, and said nothing to break in upon her master's abstraction.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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