HEART OF THE WEST by O. Henry CONTENTS I. Hearts and Crosses II. The Ransom of Mack III. Telemachus, Friend IV. The Handbook of Hymen V. The Pimienta Pancakes VI. Seats of the Haughty VII. Hygeia at the Solito VIII. An Afternoon Miracle IX. The Higher Abdication X. Cupid à la Carte XI. The Caballero’s Way XII. The Sphinx Apple XIII. The Missing Chord XIV. A Call Loan XV. The Princess and the Puma XVI. The Indian Summer of Dry Valley Johnson XVII. Christmas by Injunction XVIII. A Chaparral Prince XIX. The Reformation of Calliope HEART OF THE WEST I HEARTS AND CROSSES Baldy Woods reached for the bottle, and got it. Whenever Baldy went for anything he usually—but this is not Baldy’s story. He poured out a third drink that was larger by a finger than the first and second. Baldy was in consultation; and the consultee is worthy of his hire. “I’d be king if I was you,” said Baldy, so positively that his holster creaked and his spurs rattled. Webb Yeager pushed back his flat-brimmed Stetson, and made further disorder in his straw-coloured hair. The tonsorial recourse being without avail, he followed the liquid example of the more resourceful Baldy. “If a man marries a queen, it oughtn’t to make him a two-spot,” declared Webb, epitomising his grievances. “Sure not,” said Baldy, sympathetic, still thirsty, and genuinely solicitous concerning the relative value of the cards. “By rights you’re a king. If I was you, I’d call for a new deal. The cards have been stacked on you—I’ll tell you what you are, Webb Yeager.” “What?” asked Webb, with a hopeful look in his pale-blue eyes. “You’re a prince-consort.” “Go easy,” said Webb. “I never blackguarded you none.” “It’s a title,” explained Baldy, “up among the picture-cards; but it don’t take no tricks. I’ll tell you, Webb. It’s a brand they’re got for certain animals in Europe. Say that you or me or one of them Dutch dukes marries in a royal family. Well, by and by our wife gets to be queen. Are we king? Not in a million years. At the coronation ceremonies we march between little casino and the Ninth Grand Custodian of the Royal Hall Bedchamber. The only use we are is to appear in photographs, and accept the responsibility for the heir-apparent. That ain’t any square deal. Yes, sir, Webb, you’re a prince-consort; and if I was you, I’d start a interregnum or a habeus corpus or somethin’; and I’d be king if I had to turn from the bottom of the deck.” Baldy emptied his glass to the ratification of his Warwick pose. “Baldy,” said Webb, solemnly, “me and you punched cows in the same outfit for years. We been runnin’ on the same range, and ridin’ the same trails since we was boys. I wouldn’t talk about my family affairs to nobody but you. You was line-rider on the Nopalito Ranch when I married Santa McAllister. I was foreman then; but what am I now? I don’t amount to a knot in a stake rope.”