American fiction -- 20th century; Short stories, American; West (U.S.) -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
“Around that night comes John W. Croesus. ‘What! tears?’ says he,
arranging his pearl pin. ‘You have driven my lover away,’ says little
Alice, sobbing: ‘I hate the sight of you.’ ‘Marry me, then,’ says John
W., lighting a Henry Clay. ‘What!’ she cries indignantly, ‘marry you!
Never,’ she says, ‘until this blows over, and I can do some shopping,
and you see about the licence. There’s a telephone next door if you
want to call up the county clerk.’”
The narrator paused to give vent to his cynical chuckle.
“Did they marry?” he continued. “Did the duck swallow the June-bug? And
then I take up the case of Old Boy Redruth. There’s where you are all
wrong again, according to my theory. What turned him into a hermit? One
says laziness; one says remorse; one says booze. I say women did it.
How old is the old man now?” asked the speaker, turning to Bildad Rose.
“I should say about sixty-five.”
“All right. He conducted his hermit shop here for twenty years. Say he
was twenty-five when he took off his hat at the gate. That leaves
twenty years for him to account for, or else be docked. Where did he
spend that ten and two fives? I’ll give you my idea. Up for bigamy. Say
there was the fat blonde in Saint Jo, and the panatela brunette at
Skillet Ridge, and the gold tooth down in the Kaw valley. Redruth gets
his cases mixed, and they send him up the road. He gets out after they
are through with him, and says: ‘Any line for me except the crinoline.
The hermit trade is not overdone, and the stenographers never apply to
’em for work. The jolly hermit’s life for me. No more long hairs in the
comb or dill pickles lying around in the cigar tray.’ You tell me they
pinched old Redruth for the noodle villa just because he said he was
King Solomon? Figs! He _was_ Solomon. That’s all of mine. I guess it
don’t call for any apples. Enclosed find stamps. It don’t sound much
like a prize winner.”
Respecting the stricture laid by Judge Menefee against comments upon
the stories, all were silent when the passenger who was nobody in
particular had concluded. And then the ingenious originator of the
contest cleared his throat to begin the ultimate entry for the prize.
Though seated with small comfort upon the floor, you might search in
vain for any abatement of dignity in Judge Menefee. The now diminishing
firelight played softly upon his face, as clearly chiselled as a Roman
emperor’s on some old coin, and upon the thick waves of his honourable
grey hair.
“A woman’s heart!” he began, in even but thrilling tones—“who can hope
to fathom it? The ways and desires of men are various. I think that the
hearts of all women beat with the same rhythm, and to the same old tune
of love. Love, to a woman, means sacrifice. If she be worthy of the
name, no gold or rank will outweigh with her a genuine devotion.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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