To no one e'er play second fiddle. Now, as for little trifling matters, As breaking 'chayney' cups and platters, Or letting a large punch-bowl fall,-- Why never vex yourself at all. "You're not surpris'd, since it appears As it's been crack'd for years and years; And as you took it off the shelf, It came in 'three halves' quite itself: It's no use going into fits, To prove the fact--you've saved the bits!" Lying is, doubtless, half the trade Of ev'ry clever Chambermaid; Though yet it seems the chiefest sleight To lie, and yet appear upright. But one thing more, and then you've sped,-- Get your name _up_, then lie in bed! THE PORTER. IF a great Minister of State Your master be, then guard the gate From all but such as teem with news To suit his honour's _party_ views: You judging kindly and genteelly, Those mostly such who 'tip' most freely. THE HOUSEMAID. FROM all the rest your office varies, Is so exempt from pert vagaries, I cease to write, as cease to think,-- You cost me scarce one dip of ink. At least, thanks to the 'march of Mind,' (In which so few now lag behind,) My author's words, if e'er so true, Are really much too coarse for _you_. Fain would I yield all his jocoseness, And all his wit without his grossness. Thus, where our Dean seems most in rapture, I leave out nearly half a chapter; Checking, in short, his worst inventions, To 'carry out' his best intentions. In lieu of lying, graces, airs, Leave mops and pails upon the stairs; And if some slave break both his shins, What then care you?--why, just two pins! [Illustration: THE HOUSEMAID.] THE STEWARD. THERE is no servant like the Steward, For letting lordships go to leeward; And I ne'er knew of one so thorough, As he who 'served' Lord Peterborough; And so, for ever, made that station A perfect personification Of every virtue upon earth, That can befriend a man of birth. He pulled his Lordship's mansion down,-- One of the handsomest in town; He sold the bricks, the floors and stairs, And charged my Lord for the repairs: Then, to surpass the sweets of honey, He lent his Lordship his own money! I spare you more advice, the rather, Thinking you cannot well go farther Than keep, in every thing you do, Your Master's 'interest' still in view. THE GROOM.