How to Settle Accounts with your Laundress: An Original Farce, in One Act — John Shaqi
How to Settle Accounts with your Laundress: An Original Farce, in One ActCoyne, J. Stirling (Joseph Stirling)
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How to Settle Accounts with your Laundress: An Original Farce, in One Act
Coyne, J. Stirling (Joseph Stirling)
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
MARY. Well, you _are_ a regular brick, and I don't mind if I do take
some of your pickles.
WID. (_Bawls._) Zounds! I say, you mustn't sup here.
MARY. Mustn't sup here. (_Rises._) Why didn't you say so at once?
Never mind, I'll go into the kitchen, and take it there. (_Going._)
WID. (_Alarmed._) To the kitchen! (_Holds her._) Not for the world.
You quite misunderstood me. Don't disturb yourself. Sit down, do.
(_Pushes her again into the chair. Aside._) What's to become of me?
I'd pitch him into the street, only I'm afraid of making a
disturbance. There's no making him hear. Ecod! I know what I'll do;
I'll run and borrow the speaking-trumpet that I saw this morning
hanging at Smith, the broker's, door, and speak to him through _that_.
(_Going, returns._) Stay! The devil might tempt him to peep into the
kitchen, I'll lock the door.
[_Locks the folding-door, goes through pantomime, expressive of sorrow
for his victim in the water-butt, and exit, L._
MARY. (_Jumping up and laughing._) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, dear, never was anything managed so cleverly. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(_Throwing off cap and neckerchief._) To think that he didn't know me;
and what a rage he was in. Well, now I'm ready for him in another
character. (_Takes off her leggings and blouse, and appears dressed as
a young man of fashion. Surveys herself in the cheval-glass._) Yes, it
will do--it will do--a very smart little fellow, not extensive, but
uncommonly well got up. These were the clothes that poor Brown got to
be married in; they fit me to a nicety. (_Knock at door_, L.) Come in.
_Enter two WAITERS, L., carrying tray with supper, covered dishes,
plates, bottles, &c._
WAI. Supper, sir, ordered by Mr. Widgetts.
MARY. Supper! Oh, yes! All right. Mr. Widgetts is out, but he'll be
back presently; leave it on this table if you please. (_Waiter places
tray on table, R., back._) There, that will do! Plates, knives, and
forks. All right! You need not wait, young man.
WAI. Thank you, sir. Anything else, sir?
MARY. No; everything is beautiful, thank you.
WAI. Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.
MARY. Good night.
[_Exit Waiters, L. Mary looks under the covers._]
Lobsters, roast fowl, kidneys. Ah, the ungrateful wretch never asked
me to such a supper; but never mind. Hark, I hear him returning.
[_She throws the blouse, hat, and gaiters, into the clothes-basket and
carries all into the chamber, R._
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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