I, Mary MacLane: A Diary of Human DaysMacLane, Mary
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I, Mary MacLane: A Diary of Human Days
MacLane, Mary
MacLane, Mary, 1881-1929; Montana -- Biography; Women authors, American -- Biography
I dreamed it was late afternoon and I was locked in a condemned
cell, sentenced to die. I would be led out and hanged on a gallows
the following morning at day-break. I dreamed I sat beneath a narrow
window in the cell through which shone the light of the waning
afternoon. The light was very pale, as of sunshine long dead. I
dreamed I held on my knees a small block of paper which had a
half-inch blue border at the top to mark a perforation, and in my
hand I had a red pencil. And I dreamed I had cheated the gallows and
was writing a little ballad about it in sudden rhymes and rhythms
quite alien to my waking forms. When I awoke the song was still
beating time in my brain. And with my black awake-time pencil I
wrote, except for two words, the rhyme, title and all, as I dreamed:
LATE AFTERNOON.
They’ll think when I pass through that door
To-morrow in the dawn,
I’ll then be going to my death.
_It’s I’ve already gone._
They’ll watch me walk serenely out,
Still-nerved and somber-eyed,
‘So strong,’ they’ll say, ‘to meet her death.’
_To-day it is I died._
There’ll be my pulses quick with life,
My white sweet throat, my breath:
But flesh and bone are all will hang.
_This noon I met my death._
For days I charmedly dwelt on death--
I raved at death--I swore--
Till vexédly death waived the date:
_And came this Day-Before._
From being lured with artful thoughts
My life abortive grew.
From being broached in livid mood
_My death aborted too._
To-morrow they’ll remark my calm--
No fuss, no fright, no swoon.
They’ll kill a wench to-morrow dawn
_Was dead to-day at noon._
Three oddnesses are in that dream:
that it is true to life in that I in my lightning Mary-Mac-Lane-ness
_would_ manage to cheat a gallows.
that it is untrue to life in that instead of writing of it in the
true twilit poetry of my own sufficient prose I wrote it in the
shallow trick-phrasing of rhyme, a little serenade to the gibbet.
that it catches and holds my Shadow-self who lives not _in_side me
but _be_side me: the resembling dissembling shadow I cast when I
stand between the daylights of the actual world and the quivering
films of the region of dreams.--
My owned mysteries thrive apace. They are poetry and beauty and
loveliness yet they bruise and batter me and split me to atoms.
Withal are terrifyingly superfluous: they violently kill the wench
to-morrow dawn who died restfully to-day at noon.
_An ancient witch-light_
To-morrow
Also I am someway the Lesbian woman.
It is but one phase--one which slightly touches each other phase I
own. And in it I am poetic and imaginative and worldly and amorous
and gentle and true and strong and weak and ardent and shy and
sensitive and generous and morbid and sweet and fine and false.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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