If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
"She's out," said Dot. "Boats?"
"Right-o. Gorgeous," said Luke.
* * * * *
Normally dinner was at half-past seven. But Mabel did not get back
till a quarter to eight. It was eight o'clock before they began. Mabel
offered no explanation beyond saying that there really had been a
great deal of architectural detail to examine. Luke had prepared a
series of six pleasant and gratifying things to say about Mr. Doom
Dagshaw and the Mammoth Circus. He found himself absolutely unable to
say any of them. He could say other things. He could say "Windmill,
watermill" ten times over, very quickly, without a mistake. But
somehow he could not say Mammoth Circus.
Well, at any rate, he might be bright and amusing. At this time it was
customary--perhaps too customary--to ask if you had read a certain
book by a certain author, the name of the author being artfully
arranged so as to throw some light on the title of the book. Luke
remembered three of these which had been told him at the office.
Unfortunately they were all of them far too improper for general use.
So he just said any bright thing that came into his mind. Mabel looked
very tired. She admitted she was tired. She said she had walked about
a thousand miles.
"And then I come back to this kind of thing," she said.
The rest of the dinner, which was brief, passed in complete silence.
Then Mabel went into the drawing-room, and Luke remained behind and
lit a cigarette.
"This will never do," he said to himself. "I must keep it up. I must
be pleasant. I must say number one of those six sentences about Doom
Dagshaw and the Mammoth Circus, even it if splits my palate and my
tongue drops out."
He threw down his cigarette, walked firmly into the drawing-room, and
closed the door. "Mabel," he said, "I hope you enjoyed your visit to
the Doom Circus with Mr. Mammoth Dagshaw."
Mabel looked up coldly from the book she was reading.
"Back again already?" she said. "Well, what was it you were saying?"
"I was saying," said Luke gaily, "that I hoped you enjoyed your visit
to the Dammoth Circus with Mr. Dag Moomshaw."
"Port never did agree with you," said Mabel. "You shouldn't take it."
She resumed her book.
Luke tried the second of the pleasant sentences.
"Dagshaw always seems to me to be one of those masterful men who
sooner or later----"
He ducked his head just in time, and the book which Mabel had thrown
knocked over the vase of flowers behind him.
"If you can't let me read in peace," she said, "at any rate, you
shan't sneer at my friends. You're always doing it, and everybody
notices it. I simply can't understand you. You're like nothing on
earth. What have you done with that love-letter of yours?"
"Oh, come," he said, "I've had no love letter."
"You silly liar; I mean the letter from your Lady Tyburn. Have you
been kissing it?"
"Really, Mabel, this is absurd. I might as well ask you if you have
been kissing the Mammoth Circus."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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