If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
"Oh, it's all right. And I don't mind telling you I've given him a
pretty good dressing-down. I let him have the rough side of my
tongue."
"Ah," said Dobson, "now that really is something like a lie."
Luke went back to his own room and sat there deep in thought. Why was
everybody so hard and cold? Diggle, Dobson, Mabel--they were all so
cruel and rude to him. Nobody loved him. Except Dot and Dash, and
possibly ...
No, that was not to be thought of.
All the same it reminded him that it was time for him to brush his
hair and wash his little hands, and go up to lunch at Gallows.
2
It was a large luncheon party, for Gallows was full of guests.
Everybody was very merry and bright, except Luke. Tyburn was specially
elated, for his little drive with the zebras had only cost thirteen
hundred altogether. There had apparently been a terrific rag the night
before. While the guests were at dinner, Tyburn arranged for a number
of wild beasts to be brought up from the Mammoth Circus. One was put
into the bedroom of each guest to greet him or her on going to bed.
No, there had been no real damage done. One of the lions had fainted.
It had been given sal volatile, and had recovered. Only three of the
animals and two of the guests were missing. And one of the guests was
a Bishop who had never been really wanted. Jona told the whole story
hilariously.
Why was it, Luke asked himself, that she was always so merry and
bright with others, and so very different when she was with him? Could
it be that she wore a mask to the rest of the world, and disclosed her
real self only to him? It could. It could also be just the other way
round. That was the annoying part of it.
He was depressed during lunch. The story of Tyburn's practical joke of
the previous evening had upset him. He did not like these practical
jokes. He was nervous. He felt that at any moment, at a preconcerted
signal, the table might blow up, or the ceiling fall down. Everybody
else would laugh, and he would hate it. He seldom laughed at anything
anybody else laughed at, though he enjoyed some little jokes of his
own that nobody else seemed to appreciate. Especially Mabel. She
seemed to be enjoying herself at the other side of the table, laughing
at the stories that Major Capstan was telling her. From the Major's
expression, Luke diagnosed that the stories were not quite--well, not
exactly--oh, you know. Would it be Doom Dagshaw or Major Capstan? Oh,
what was he thinking of?
Why had he not been put next to Jona? Why did the girl on his right,
whom he had never met before, persist in addressing him as Funnyface?
Why is a mouse when it spins? The world was full of conundrums.
In the garden after lunch, Jona came straight up to him.
"We are going to play games," she said.
"What games?"
"Well, this morning we played leap-frog down the stairs. That was a
little idea of Bill's."
Luke had noticed at lunch that two of the guests wore sticking-plaster
on their noses. This explained it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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