If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
He had noticed a pair of the gardener's gloves lying on the
lawn-mower. He handed them to her. She flung them away, a little
petulantly it seemed to him.
He rose from the milestone and walked on. Certain words seemed to keep
time with his footsteps. "She wants me to write to her. And I ought
not. She wants me to write to her. And I ought not."
He passed the post-office, and turned back to it again. Went on, and
again turned back. This time he entered with his mind all bemused.
"Have you any nice stamps?" he asked.
CHAPTER VII
Mabel looked very enraged as she entered the house. "Anything the
matter?" he enquired.
"Yes. You might not think so. As I do, probably you wouldn't. But
Ellen's got a new parasol, and Kate's got a swollen knee, and has got
to have it up."
"And I suppose it will be just the same with Ellen's parasol. I
suppose you wanted it the other way round--Dot to have the parasol and
Ellen to have the----"
"I wanted nothing of the kind. Why should I want my cook to go
peacocking about with a pink parasol, making a fool of herself, and
bringing disgrace on the house? Why should I want Kate to be
incapacitated from doing her proper work?"
"I think," said Luke, "I must go and see it."
"Go and see Kate's knee? Don't be indelicate."
"No, I meant the parasol. I should imagine that Dot's knee has solely
a pathological interest at present. But I did mean the parasol--I
swear it. How did it come about?"
"Love of finery. Vanity. Passion for wasting her money."
"Oh, this time I meant the knee--not the parasol."
"Well, that was just absolute selfishness. All servants love to get
swollen knees, and chilblains and chapped hands. They like to make a
fuss about themselves. And to make their employer pay a substitute to
do their work. They're all like that. It was just the same before I
married. Yes, every housemaid I employ. Contracts these swollen
kneeses. They only do it to annoy. Because they know it teases."
"But what are you going to do about it? Have you got medical advice?
Do you think a nurse will be needed? When I had the measles the only
things I fancied were----"
"Kate has not got measles. She's got a cold compress, and she's got
the entire contents of the plate-chest to clean. And when she's
finished that, I'll find her something else. If she thinks she can't
work sitting down, she will discover that she is mistaken."
"Wait a minute. I've got a joke. A real one this time. Dot with a
swollen knee. We shall have to call her Dot-and-go-one. See? Well, why
don't you laugh? I must go into the kitchen and tell them at once."
Mabel sighed deeply. There were simply no words for him. He was right
away outside, beyond the limit. In a few minutes he came back again.
"It certainly does look very pink," he said.
"That's the effect of the cold compress. Though why on earth you
should----"
"I didn't mean the knee, I meant the parasol. I'll swear I did."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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