If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
"Just the same length that I am outside. I have been there three times
to-day. Standing there, looking up at your window. Every time I bought
a yard of elastic. Do you want any elastic?"
"No, thank you. Will you have a cup of tea?"
Emotion would not permit her to speak. But she nodded and got into the
car. He followed her. On the way to the confectioner's neither of them
spoke a word.
At the tea-room the following conversation took place: "Tea?"
"Please."
"Milk?"
"Thanks."
"Sugar?"
"No."
"Buns?"
"One."
And then they sat and gazed at one another, slowly champing buns in
which they took no interest whatever. After twenty minutes Lady Tyburn
said: "My chauffeur has had no tea. He must drive to Gallows and have
tea at once. Will you come too?"
"As far as the gates," he said. "I'll walk back. I'm not coming in."
"Do," she said. "Bill has borrowed a panther from the Mammoth Circus,
and they're having larks with it in the billiard-room."
Luke shook his head. "I don't like panthers," he said wearily. "I
don't like anything much. Mabel looks like a panther sometimes."
During the twenty minutes' drive up to Gallows neither of them spoke.
When they reached the gate, Jona said: "Better come up to the house
and finish our talk."
"No," said Luke; "stay here a little. There's something I must say to
you. I've been trying to say it for the last hour. It gets stuck. I
shall pull it out somehow."
Lady Tyburn sent the car away, and they sat down on the trunk of a
fallen tree. He sat on one side, and she on the other, back to back.
They could not bear to look one another in the face. Presently she
said:
"You're trembling, Lukie. I can feel it. Trembling. Like a jelly."
"You're another," said Luke. "Oh, Jona. There's something I've been
trying to ask you for the last ten months, and perhaps there will
never be another opportunity. Do you remember when you came to my
office?"
She drove her elbow lightly into his ribs. It seemed to him to signify
she did remember.
"There were things you said--'Will you help yourself,' with your hands
out--'magnet and tin-tack'--'I made a mistake once.' You said those
things, Jona."
"What a memory the young man has got," said Jona, wistfully.
"Yes, but what did you mean?"
"Well, they were what is called conversation. You talk too, you know,
sometimes."
"But that doesn't tell me what you meant."
"They meant," she said in a plain, matter-of-fact way, "that I ought
not to have married Bill. I ought to have married you, Lukie. My
mistake entirely. Don't apologize."
She jerked herself backward, and he fell off the tree. He lay on the
grass moaning. "O crikey! O crikey! O crikey, crikey, crikey!"
2
He got up slowly. He was entirely covered with small pieces of dried
grass. Jona came round the end of the tree and began picking pieces of
grass off him.
"You're in a mess," she said.
"We're both in a mess," he said. "Right in. Up to the neck."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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