If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
"Very well," said Mabel, a little coldly, "we'll call it your cage.
And just look. There is a pair of my father's old slippers that I have
brought for you. Size thirteen. You've got none quite like that, have
you?"
He put one arm round her waist.
"Where did you say the dustbin was?" he asked.
"But," she said amazed, "you don't mean to say----Surely you wear
slippers?"
"I never was," he replied firmly. Nor did he.
"And now," said Mabel, "come into the kitchen and see the two maids
that I have engaged. Two nice respectable sisters named Morse--Ellen
Morse and----"
"There isn't an 'l' in Morse," he said gloomily.
"And Kate Morse," Mabel continued.
She opened the door into the spotless kitchen, and the two maids
sprang instantly to attention. One of them was cleaning silver, the
other was still lingering over tea. The first was very long, and the
second very short.
Luke slapped his leg enthusiastically. "Oh, by Jove," he said, "this
is ripping. Morse. Don't you see? Dot and Dash. Dot and Dash."
He howled with laughter. Dash dropped the tea-pot. Dot had hysterics.
"I think," said Mabel, without a smile, "we had better go into the
garden."
Everything in the garden was lovely.
"Luke," said Mabel, "I did not quite like what you said in the kitchen
just now. It was just a teeny-weeny----"
"Funny, wasn't it?" said Luke. "You must admit it was funny. Seemed to
come to me all of a flash. I'll bet that nothing more amusing has been
said in this house since the day it was built. Dot and Dash! Dot and
Dash! Oh, help!"
He rolled about the path in uncontrollable laughter.
Mabel looked sadder and sadder. He said that made it all the funnier,
and laughed more.
After dinner he wrote the joke out carefully. It seemed a pity that
_Punch_ should not have it. Mabel yawned, and said she would go up to
bed.
"Tired?" asked Luke.
"A little. There's something about you, Luke, that makes one feel
tired. By the way, did you ever know Mr. Mark Sabre?"
"God forbid--I mean, no."
"Well, he called one of his maids High Jinks and the other Low, but it
turned out later in the story that the one that was first Low became
High, while High became Low. I thought I'd just mention it to you as a
warning."
"Right-o. I'll be very careful. I may as well come up to bed myself.
The editor of _Punch_ will be a happy man to-morrow morning."
At intervals that night Mabel was awakened by screams of laughter.
Once she enquired what the cause was.
"Dot and Dash," he replied, chuckling. "Too good for words! Oh, can't
you see it?"
"Good-night again," said Mabel.
On the following night, when he returned from business, Mabel met him
in the hall.
"Darling," she said, "we've had trouble with the sink in the
scullery."
"What did you do about it?"
"I sent for the plumber. He seemed such a nice, intelligent man."
"Have you kept him to dine with us?"
"No. Why on earth should I? He had a glass of beer in the kitchen."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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