If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson — John Shaqi
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. NotsomuchinsonPain, Barry
General
If Winter Don't: A.B.C.D.E.F. Notsomuchinson
Pain, Barry
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth), 1880-1971. If winter comes; Parodies
The manufacturing side was under the control of Arthur Dobson, a
red-faced man who had been with the firm for twenty years. He very
wisely maintained its tradition of the very highest quality coupled
with the very highest prices. "Perfect Purity." It was an admitted
fact that Pentlove, Postlethwaite and Sharper actually used limes in
the manufacture of lime juice. Another startling innovation was the
use of calves' feet in the preparation of calf's-foot jelly. This was
the more extravagant because, of course, only the front feet of the
calf may be used for this purpose. Three back feet make one back-yard.
Naturally the price was ruinous. But it all added to the reputation of
the firm. And the best hotels thought it worth while to advertise that
the pickles and preserves they provided were by Messrs. Pentlove,
Postlethwaite and Sharper. It may be as well to add that Arthur Dobson
was a knave. When he was talking to Cain he always slated Sharper.
When he was talking to Sharper he always slated Cain. His specialty
was the continuous discovery of some cheaper place in which to lunch.
He would ask Luke Sharper to join him in these perilous adventures,
but Luke, in his sunny way, always refused.
"Standoffish," said Dobson. "Damn standoffish."
Luke Sharper represented the literary side of the business. He
wrote all the advertisements. It was a rule of the firm that the
advertisements should be scholarly, and that none should appear which
did not contain at least one quotation from a classical language. Luke
had also initiated the production of various booklets dealing with the
materials and the methods of business. Nominally they were published;
practically they were given away to any considerable purchaser. Some
of these were written by Sharper himself. There was, for example, "The
Romance of the Raspberry," of which the _Dilborough Gazette_ had said:
"An elegant little brochure." This was a great triumph. Even Diggle
had to admit it. He had gone so far as to say that one of these fine
days he would really have to think about making Sharper a partner.
Other of the booklets were written in collaboration. For instance, in
the composition of "Thoughts on Purity," Sharper had the assistance of
the Reverend Noel Atall.
Luke kept a set of these booklets, bound in lilac morocco, in his room
at the office. He loved them. He was proud of them. He regarded them
as his children, and would sit for hours patting them gently. As the
issue of each booklet was limited to one hundred copies, and it was
customary to present one of them with each order of L20 or upwards,
some of them were out of print, and difficult to obtain. This had been
enough to start the collectors. In book catalogues there would
sometimes appear a complete set of the Pentlove, Postlethwaite and
Sharper booklets. And the price asked was gratifying. Luke fainted
with joy the first time he saw this in the catalogue.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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