In a Canadian Canoe; The Nine Muses Minus One, and Other StoriesPain, Barry
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In a Canadian Canoe; The Nine Muses Minus One, and Other Stories
Pain, Barry
English wit and humor
“Of course you don’t see,” he answered, a little snappishly. “You can’t
see the abstract. I’m not a grocer in the concrete. Kindly shut that
door. There’s a draught keeps coming down the back of the place where
my neck would have been, and that’s a thing I can’t stand.”
As I shut the door I felt more bewildered than ever. An abstract grocer
was beyond me, and I said so. “What, for instance, is abstract sugar?”
I asked.
“Sugar’s concrete,” was the reply, “and if you abstract it, you
get spanked. We’ve got no sugar here. If you’d like a Pure White,
Crystallised, Disinterested Love, we keep that, although there’s not
much demand. They mostly use the coarser kinds. They say they’re
sweeter.”
“Ah!” I cried, “you deal in abstract nouns then.”
“That’s more like it. It’s a clumsy way of putting it, but it’s fairly
right. We supply, or, to speak more accurately, we groce, all the
Emotions to the Solar System, and trade’s very slack just now in that
branch. We are doing rather better in States of Being, and we’ve just
got a new assortment of Deaths. Now, once for all, do you intend to buy
anything?”
I remembered with joy that I had a couple of sovereigns and some loose
silver in my pocket. All my life long I had suffered from want of
emotional experiences. I had always regretted the want of variety, the
general flatness and dulness. If the delusion or reality--I neither
knew nor cared now which it was--would only last, I was determined to
gratify to the full my fine perceptions. Especially was I struck with
the mention of the Pure White Love. I may confess at once that I never
got on much with women. I have a natural dignity and reserve that is
sometimes mistaken for nervousness. I fancy it sets women against me.
Somehow I am never able to say to them quite what I want to say. I
have often looked at a young girl, and thought that if she could only
know me as I really was--if she could once regard me as apart from
wretched circumstances, my poverty, my shabby clothes, my unfortunate
reserve--she might abate something of her pretty scorn.
“Certainly, I intend to buy something,” I said. “To commence with, I
should like to see some samples of that peculiar Love you mentioned.”
“Dear me!” broke in Mr. Joseph. “How many more times am I to tell you?
You can’t _see_ samples. You can feel them if you like. James!”
“Yes, Joseph,” answered the boyish voice from the further end of the
shop.
“Let’s have some of the ‘Pure White,’--look sharp.”
“Right.”
“Now then,” continued Mr. Joseph. “Take that chair. Adopt an easy,
natural position. Don’t cross the legs. If you find the light too
strong, you can blink the eyes once or twice, it won’t make any
difference. Head a little more this way. You’re frowning. That’s
better. Now then, we’re ready. Steady, please.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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