But I, too, answered with my lips only, for another part of my mind
was working elsewhere, and among uncomfortable things. A touch of
bewilderment passed over me. I was not certain how best to continue. If
I laughed she would tell me no more, yet if I took her too seriously
the strings would tighten further. Instinctively, then, this flashed
rapidly across me: that something of what she felt, I had also felt,
though interpreting it differently. Vague it was, as the coming of
rain or storm that announce themselves hours in advance with their
hint of faint, unsettling excitement in the air. I had been but a
short hour in the house,--big, comfortable, luxurious house,--but had
experienced this sense of being unsettled, unfixed, fluctuating--a kind
of impermanence that transient lodgers in hotels must feel, but that a
guest in a friend’s home ought not to feel, be the visit short or long.
To Frances, an impressionable woman, the feeling had come in the terms
of alarm. She disliked sleeping alone, while yet she longed to sleep.
The precise idea in my mind evaded capture, merely brushing through
me, three-quarters out of sight; I realised only that we both felt the
same thing, and that neither of us could get at it clearly. Degrees of
unrest we felt, but the actual thing did not disclose itself. It did
not happen.
I felt strangely at sea for a moment. Frances would interpret
hesitation as endorsement, and encouragement might be the last thing
that could help her.
‘Sleeping in a strange house,’ I answered at length, ‘is often
difficult at first, and one feels lonely. After fifteen months in
our tiny flat one feels lost and uncared-for in a big house. It’s an
uncomfortable feeling--I know it well. And this _is_ a barrack, isn’t
it? The masses of furniture only make it worse. One feels in storage
somewhere underground--the furniture doesn’t furnish. One must never
yield to fancies, though----’
Frances looked away towards the windows; she seemed disappointed a
little.
‘After our thickly-populated Chelsea,’ I went on quickly, ‘it seems
isolated here.’
But she did not turn back, and clearly I was saying the wrong thing.
A wave of pity rushed suddenly over me. Was she really frightened,
perhaps? She was imaginative, I knew, but never moody; common sense was
strong in her, though she had her times of hypersensitiveness. I caught
the echo of some unreasoning, big alarm in her. She stood there, gazing
across my balcony towards the sea of wooded country that spread dim
and vague in the obscurity of the dusk. The deepening shadows entered
the room, I fancied, from the grounds below. Following her abstracted
gaze a moment, I experienced a curious sharp desire to leave, to
escape. Out yonder was wind and space and freedom. This enormous
building was oppressive, silent, still. Great catacombs occurred to me,
things beneath the ground, imprisonment and capture. I believe I even
shuddered a little.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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