"I should think of you exactly as I do now," he said, resolutely--"If
you were to kill yourself I should not pity you in the least! I should
say that though you were a bit of a clever woman, you were much more of
a fool! So you would gain nothing that way! You see, I'm sane and
sensible--you are not. You are excited and hysterical--and don't know
what you are talking about. Yes, child!--that's the fact!" He patted
the hands he held consolingly, and then let them go. "I wish you'd get
up from the floor and be reasonable! The position is quite simple and
clear. We've had an ideal time of it together--but isn't it Shakespeare
who says 'These violent delights have violent ends'? My work calls me
to Algiers--yours keeps you in London--therefore we must part--but we
shall meet again--some day--I hope..."
She slowly rose to her feet,--her sobbing ceased.
"Then--you never loved me?" she said--"It was all a lie?"
"I never lie," he answered, coldly--"I loved you--for the time being.
You amused me."
"And for your 'amusement' you have ruined me?"
"Ruined you?" He turned upon her in indignant protest--"You must be
mad! You have been as safe with me as in the arms of your mother--"
At this she laughed,--a shrill little laugh with tears submerging it.
"You may laugh, but it is true!" he went on, in a righteously aggrieved
tone--"I have done you no harm,--on the contrary, you have to thank me
for a great deal of happiness--"
She gave a tragic gesture of eloquent despair.
"Oh, yes, I have to thank you!" she said, and her voice now vibrated
with intense and passionate sorrow--"I have to thank you for so
much--for so very much indeed! You have been so kind and good! Yes! And
you have never thought of yourself or your own pleasure at all--but
only of me! And I have been as safe with you as in my mother's arms,
... yes!--you have been quite as careful of me as she was!" And a wan
smile flitted over her agonised face--"All this I have to thank you
for!--but you have ruined me just the same--not my body, but my soul!"
He looked at her,--she returned his gaze unflinchingly with eyes that
glowed like burning stars--and he thought she was, as he put it to
himself, "calming down." He laughed, a little uneasily.
"Soul is an unknown quantity," he said--"It doesn't count."
She seemed not to hear him.
"You have ruined my soul!" she repeated steadily--"You have stolen it
from God--you have made it all your own--for your 'amusement'! What
remainder of life have you left to me? Nothing! I have no hope, no
faith, no power to work--no ambition to fulfil--no dreams to realise!
You gave me love--as I thought!--and I lived; you take love from me,
and I die!"
He bent his eyes upon her with a kind, almost condescending
gentleness,--his personal vanity was immense, and the utter humiliation
of her love for him flattered the deep sense he had of his own value.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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