From that day the old Castle no longer seemed gloomy, and I think I
ceased to be sad; for some time, too, I began to take an interest in
the place, and to try and make it more alive. I avoided my old Welsh
nurse, lest she should damp my humor with some dismal prophecy, and
recall my old self by bringing back memories of my dismal childhood.
But what I thought of most was the ghostly figure I had seen in the
garden that first night after my arrival. I went out every evening and
wandered through the walks and paths; but, try as I might, I did not
see my vision again. At last, after many days, the memory grew more
faint, and my old moody nature gradually overcame the temporary sense
of lightness I had experienced. The summer turned to autumn, and I
grew restless. It began to rain. The dampness pervaded the gardens,
and the outer halls smelled musty, like tombs; the gray sky oppressed
me intolerably. I left the place as it was and went abroad, determined
to try anything which might possibly make a second break in the
monotonous melancholy from which I suffered.
II
Most people would be struck by the utter insignificance of the small
events which, after the death of my parents, influenced my life and
made me unhappy. The gruesome forebodings of a Welsh nurse, which
chanced to be realized by an odd coincidence of events, should not seem
enough to change the nature of a child and to direct the bent of his
character in after years. The little disappointments of schoolboy
life, and the somewhat less childish ones of an uneventful and
undistinguished academic career, should not have sufficed to turn me
out at one-and-twenty-years of age a melancholic, listless idler. Some
weakness of my own character may have contributed to the result, but in
a greater degree it was due to my having a reputation for bad luck.
However, I will not try to analyze the causes of my state, for I should
satisfy nobody, least of all myself. Still less will I attempt to
explain why I felt a temporary revival of my spirits after my adventure
in the garden. It is certain that I was in love with the face I had
seen, and that I longed to see it again; that I gave up all hope of a
second visitation, grew more sad than ever, packed up my traps, and
finally went abroad. But in my dreams I went back to my home, and it
always appeared to me sunny and bright, as it had looked on that
summer's morning after I had seen the woman by the fountain.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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