Great Britain -- Social conditions -- 19th century -- Fiction
“What the better am I?” thus ran this man's thoughts. “I have opened
my own eyes, and Susan seems farther from me than ever now--my heart
is like a lump of lead here--I wish I had never been born!--so much for
scheming--I would have given a thousand pounds for this, and now I'd
give double to be as I was before; I had honest hopes then; now where
are they? How lucky it seemed all to go, too. Ah! that is it--'May all
your good luck turn to wormwood!' that was his word--his very word--and
my good luck is wormwood; so much for lifting a hand against gray hairs,
Jew or Gentile. Why did the old heathen provoke me, then? I'd as soon
die as live this day. That's right, start at a handful of straw; lie
down in it one minute and tremble at the sight of it the next, ye idiot.
Oh, Susan! Susan! Why do I think of her? why do I think of her? She
loves that man with every fiber of her body. How she clung to him! how
she grew to him! And I stood there and looked on it, and did not kill
them both. Seen it! I see it now, it is burned into my eyes and my heart
forever; I am in hell!--I am in hell!--Hold up, you blundering fool; has
the devil got into you, too?--Perdition seize him! May he die and rot
before the year's out, ten thousand miles from home! may his ship sink
to the bottom of the ----. What right have I to curse the man, as well
as drive him across the sea? Curse yourself, John Meadows. They are
true lovers, and I have parted them, and looked on and seen their tears.
Heaven pity them and forgive me. So he knew of his brother's love for
her, after all. Why didn't he speak to me, I wonder, as well as to
Will Fielding? The old Jew warned him against me, I'll swear. Why? why
because you are a respectable man, John Meadows, and he thought a hint
was enough to a man of character. 'I do suppose I am safe from villainy
here,' says he. That lad spared me; he could have given me a red face
before them all. Now if there are angels that float in the air and see
what passes among us sinners, how must John Meadows have looked beside
George Fielding that moment? This love will sink my soul! I can't
breathe between these hedges; my temples are bursting!--Oh! you want
to gallop, do you? gallop, then, and faster than you ever did since you
were foaled--confound ye!” With this he spurred his mare furiously up
the bank, and went crushing through the dead hedge that surmounted it.
He struck his hat, at the same moment, fiercely from his head (it was
fast by a black ribbon to his button-hole), and as they lighted by a
descent of some two feet on the edge of a grass-field he again drove his
spurs into his great fiery mare, all vein and bone. Black Rachel snorted
with amazement at the spur, and with warlike delight at finding grass
beneath her feet and free air whistling round her ears, she gave one
gigantic bound like a buck with arching back and all four legs in the
air at once (it would have unseated many a rider but never moved the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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