The strongest emotion in my heart was resentment. That my name should
be prostituted by the foul mouths of such wretches, and my money be
squandered for the gratification of a meretricious vagabond, were
indignities not to be endured. I was carried involuntarily towards my
brother's house. I had lost all that awe in his presence and trepidation
at his scorn which had formerly been so troublesome. His sarcasms or
revilings had become indifferent to me, as every day's experience had of
late convinced me that in no valuable attribute was he anywise superior to
his sister. The consciousness of having been deceived and wronged by him
set me above both his anger and his flattery. I was hastening to his house
to give vent to my feelings, when a little consideration turned my steps
another way. I recollected that I should probably meet his companion, and
that was an encounter which I had hitherto carefully avoided. I went,
according to my first design, to my father's; I was in hopes of meeting
Frank there some time in the day, or of being visited by him at Mrs.
Fielder's.
My soul was in a tumult that unfitted me for conversation. I felt
hourly-increasing remorse at having concealed my proceedings from my
mother. I imagined that, had I treated her from the first with the
confidence due to her, I should have avoided all my present difficulties.
Now the obstacles to confidence appeared insurmountable, and my only
consolation was, that by inflexible resolution I might shun any new cause
for humiliation and regret.
I had purposed to spend the greater part of the day at my father's,
chiefly in the hope of a meeting with my brother; but, after dinner, my
mother sent for me home. Something, methought, very extraordinary, must
have happened, as my mother was well: as, according to the messenger's
account, she had just parted with a gentleman who seemed to have visited
her on private business, my heart misgave me.
As soon as I got home, my mother took me into her chamber, and told me,
after an affecting preface, that a gentleman in office at ---- Bank had
called on her and informed her that checks of my signing to a very large
amount had lately been offered, and that the last made its appearance
to-day, and was presented by a man with whom it was highly disreputable
for one in my condition to be thought to have any sort of intercourse.
You may suppose that, after this introduction, I made haste to explain
every particular. My mother was surprised and grieved. She rebuked me,
with some asperity, for my reserves. Had I acquainted her with my
brother's demands, she could have apprized me of all that I had since
discovered. My brother, she asserted, was involved beyond any one's power
to extricate him, and his temper, his credulity, were such that he was
forever doomed to poverty.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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