Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum — John Shaqi
Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum
Philosophy
Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum
English wit and humor
152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of
the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late
Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships
in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would
readily pardon the Offence_.
153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the
_Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in
her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.
154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture
of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better
of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to
old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr.
_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted
a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one:
_A Figg for the Irish_.
155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at
_Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the
Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It
may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my
_Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.
156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the
Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had
lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the
Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the
Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to
be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the
Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.
157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and
Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the
Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out
in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my
Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.
158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling
every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World
he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.
159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_,
found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who
very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a
_Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.
If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him
not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord
did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there
was _room_.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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