TAM MERRILEES; A CAPITAL STORY. [Illustration] GLASGOW; PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS. JOHN FALKIRK’S CARICHES. Question, What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons? Answer, To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their opinion of nothing but what they thoroughly understand. Ques. What time is it when a scolding wife is at her best? Ans. When she is fast asleep. Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst? A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her head, when she cannot get at her neighbours, and through perfect spite bites her own tongue with her own teeth.--My hearty wish is, that all such wicked vipers may ever do so. Q. What is the most effectual cure and infallible remedy, for a scolding wife? A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her; but the infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let it stand till sun-rising next morning, then she’ll become one of the peaceablest women that ever lay by a man’s side. Q. What time of the year is it that there are most holes open? A. In harvest when there are stubbles. Q. What time is a cow heaviest? A. When the bull’s on her back. Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother? A. The muckle cow herself. Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man on a horse? A. A Tailor on a mare. Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a Tailor laid his teeth to? A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted. Q. How many toads’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon? A. One, if it be long enough. Q. How many sticks gangs to the digging of a craw’s nest? A. None, for they are all carried. Q. How many whites will a well made pudding-prick need? A. When well made it will need no more. Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children? A. Zebedee himself. Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old? A. Into his sixteenth. Q. How near related is your aunty’s goodbrother to you? A. He is my father. Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup? A. Two. Q. How prove you that? A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg. Q. What is the best method of catching rogues? A. There is none so fit as a rogue himself. Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept? A. At Mullgay. Q. What sort of commodities were there? A. Nothing but ale and wicked wives. Q. How was it abolished? A. Because those that went to it once would go to it no more. Q. For what reason? A. Because there was no money to be got for them but fair barter, wife for wife; and he who put away a wife for one fault, got another for her with two as bad. Q. What was the reason, that in those day a man could put away his wife for pissing the bed, but not for sh----g it? A. Because he could push it away with his foot and lie down. Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court, cast, marry, and re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?