The mother of a respectable Grocer in a town in the west, called her son to her, while on her death-bed, and declared to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but that such a one (nameing him) really was his father; and that the deed was done one night while journeying from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head; this story got wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of amusement for some time. One day, a boy vulgarly named the “Linty,” went into the said Grocer’s shop to purchase some article, when he was assailed with “Weel, Linty, whar is tu gaun to big thy nest the year?” The boy replied, “I was thinkin’ to big it down about the Clun-Brae-head.” THE GREAT WANT. A female pauper, lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d.--Some one of the grave quorum enquired what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, &c., to this she replied--“Why, deed sirs, it’s just to buy a pair o’ corsets to my daughter Tibboc, ilk lass that’s ocht respectable has them but hersel’, so ye see she canna do wantin them, an’ ye maun e’en let me ha’t sirs.” CAPTAIN SILK. In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, ‘What a name for a soldier!’ ‘The fittest name in the world,’ replied a witty female, ‘for Silk never can be Worsted!’ MARCH OF INTELLECT. Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyll street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, “No Dogs to enter here.” “No Dogs to enter here!” exclaimed one of them, “I’m sure there’s nae use for that there.” “What way, Jock,” replied the other. “’Cause dogs canna read signs,” said he. “Ha, ha, Jock, ye’re maybe wrang, I’se warran ye gentle folk’s dogs ’ill ken’t brawley, for there’s schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read an’ speak.” HOW TO READ A SIGN-BOARD. A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a Sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription: Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of Confectionary Goods, sold down this entry. read it as follows:-- Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades, Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of Confusionary Goods, sold down this entry. ADDITION. A farmer’s Son, who had been some time at the university, coming home to visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at supper, on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three.--“Well, let us hear,” said the old man; “Why this,” said the scholar, “is one, and this,” continued he, “is two, two and one, you know make three.”--“Since ye hae made it out sae weel,” answered the old man, “your mother shall hae the first fowl, I’ll hae the second, and the third you may keep to yoursell.” FINIS.