I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass. True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a keen affectashun ov what iz rong. "Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out? If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew hear about sich things. A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at. Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles. Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade. LXXVIII. DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL. Tew sarve up cowcumbers--pick them when the dew is on them, pare them neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts, pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then--raze up the window carefully, and throw them out. Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa--steal them bi moonlite, and eat them in the next lot. Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov the--rebbels. Tew remove goose pimples--skin the goose. [Illustration: Women's Rights Convention--Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the chair.--_See page 200._] Tew kure hams--bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters. Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go--travel that wa yourself. LXXIX. FAKS. Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state: That onions are _good_ for a _bad_ breth. That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man. That ships are kalled _she_ bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the _lookout_. That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at least, 300 per cent. That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in the morning. That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he hollers glory halleluyer! That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning. LXXX. ON LECTURES. Dec. 9, 1864 I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler. The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur--Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars--if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."