Josh Billings on Ice, and Other ThingsBillings, Josh
General
Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things
Billings, Josh
American wit and humor
_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses
will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt
alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that
pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart.
Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads.
If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made
him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the
books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him
iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust
100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree
than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple
having enny pedigree?
If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in
the graveyards--courteous libels.
I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff,
bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a
dock rat's.
Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the
hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i
waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny
more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit
me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz
beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern
hearse hoss.
_Bigfellow._--Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures--you
have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the
genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best
trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were
natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and
the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the
best fisher ov the two.
He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az
careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the
fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or
hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie
above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from
the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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