I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things. They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep. A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you. If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face. Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year. It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one. Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister. It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy. If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade. If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks. * * * * * The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the _Flea_. They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot. They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes. They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az freckled az the meazels. It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them. I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.