Josiah Allen on the Woman QuestionHolley, Marietta
General
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Holley, Marietta
Feminism -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Sex role -- Fiction; Women's rights -- Fiction
"Yes, indeed!" sez Betsy eagerly. "Our two idees about the loftier,
superior sect, and the overpowerin' need of wimmen to be protected by
'em, are perfect twins, you couldn't hardly reconize 'em apart." And
agin she sez in a still more hungry axent:
"Do grant my request, Josiah Allen; poetry makes a book so interestin'.
Mebby it hain't necessary, but some like the tail feathers of a
rooster, though they may not add to the weight of the fowl; without 'em
he has a bare lonesome look. Poetry may not add to the strength and
matchless power of your arguments, probably nothin' could; but somehow
a book looks sort o' bare and lonely without these feathery gushin's of
the soul."
Sez I in a cold austere axent, "I have laid out to enrich the prose
pages of my great work with my own poetry, some as lovely flowers might
appear on the smooth side of a volcano, softenin' and amelioratin' the
comin' roar and rush of the destroyin' fire and flames, that is to bust
out and burn up Error and mistook idees in females."
"Oh, what eloquence! what grand thoughts!" sez Betsy claspin' her
yeller cotton gloves together, and lookin' up to me in almost worship.
"What a inteleck has been burnin' under that bald head for years. No
wonder it is bald, no hair could live in such a fiery atmosphere."
As she said this my feelin's softened towards her and I felt different
than I did feel. I had never liked Betsy Bobbett Slimpsey; she wuz
always too sentimental and persistent to suit me. When I wuz a widow
man she paid me a lot of attention oninvited and onrecipercated. I
never responded to her ardent overtoors. I spurned her poetry from me.
And she wuz a slack housekeeper, and mizuble cook, which always riles
men, and I felt relieved and glad when she got round Simon Slimpsey and
won him to be her husband. But I do like her idees on man's supremacy
and her clingin' idees on marriage. Such voylent and persistent efforts
in that direction, by elderly onmarried females are esteemed worthy of
every man's admiration, when directed in another direction than himself.
I own I suffered from them clingin' idees of hern durin' my widowerhood
till Samantha rendered me immune. But under all them sufferin's of mine
and my almost hopeless efforts to shy off from her, and avoid her, yet
I felt that her adorin' love and her warm clingin' attentions to males
wuz eminently becomin' to a female if only turned off from me onto some
more willin' man. All these thoughts chased each other through my
brain, but still I kep' the cool superiority of my sect and sez coldly:
"I want no female thought to cumber and weigh down the sails of my
skyward bound volume."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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