"I think so. Why? Don't I look well?" Cassandra felt a relief in the
thought that her depression might be physical. "You know I am always
unhappy at these functions. I am not a good hostess, and it worries me
to know what to say. I'm so thankful I'm not a Vicar's wife! That must
be even worse. Doesn't it bore you to extinction to be everlastingly
two people,--yourself with your nice natural impulses--and the Vicar's
wife who has no business to have impulses at all! Doesn't it bore you
terribly to be always _ex officio_?"
Mrs Evans hesitated. She intensely wanted to say yes, but that highly
trained article, her conscience, would not allow the deception. The
colour deepened on her large, plain face as she said slowly:
"I _did_ find it a trial in early years. Of late the trial has come to
me in another fashion. I am perhaps a little too ready to enjoy the
importance of my position."
Cassandra's laugh rang out with sudden gaiety. She gripped the large
arm, and said with a charming indulgence:
"Ah, but why shouldn't you? If you _do_ manage us, it's for our own
good. It's sweet of you to take the trouble... Mrs Evans, Mary
Mallison has been here to lunch, and I've been talking to her. Her
mother is vastly excited about this windfall, but the girl herself does
not seem capable of anything but relief at the thought of getting away
from home. I'm afraid she's been rather desperately unhappy. It
surprises me that she could suffer so much. I thought she was one of
those dull women who are contented to jog along in any rut in which they
are placed, and never demand anything for themselves."
"Do you think there are any such women, Cassandra?"
"Don't you?"
"I am quite sure there are not."
Cassandra knitted her brows and stared intently into the face of the
woman, who was a virtual father confessor to the parish. If Mrs Evans
were sure, what right had she to question; but the thought held a sting.
"But--if not, there must be so horribly many who are wretched!"
"There are," Mrs Evans said. A moment later: "Wretched is a strong
word, Cassandra," she added, "perhaps it would be better to say
`disappointed.' There are very few women who get to my age who are not
making a fight against some sort of disappointment. They are very brave
about it, for the most part, and cover it up so successfully that the
world does not suspect; but the fight goes on. I get many peeps behind
the scenes; it's part of my work. Sickness comes or loss, and then it
is a comfort to speak out and unburden the heart. I've been amazed at
the number of hidden sorrows in the places where I least expected them.
I have looked down on a woman as frivolous and commonplace, and have
come away after half an hour's confidences looking up to her as a
heroine."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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