"Whut de letters say?"
"Backslid, you knows I kain't read."
The Backslid Baptist set the nearly empty bottle of gin on the
washstand and walked into the passageway.
"'Partment B," he announced upon his return. "Dey's two 'partments, A
and B, and a drawin' room. You knows 'B' when you sees it. Knock at de
do' an' ask whut is it."
The Wildcat departed on his mission. At the door of Compartment B he
encountered a bald-headed gentleman clad in violent pink pajamas. The
gentleman's face was festooned with a long, blond mustache. He thrust a
coat, a vest, and a pair of trousers through the door at the Wildcat.
"Have these pressed," he ordered. "Here's a brace of shillings for you.
Fee the tailor chap."
"Cap'n, yessuh."
The Wildcat returned to the smoking room. "Boy in de 'partment room
whut gobbles lak a turkey says, 'Press de clo'es, boy, an' heah's a
dollah.' Dollah, how is you? Sho' is easy money."
"English boy. Dey's de clo'es-pressin'est folks in de world, 'ceptin'
actors."
"Whah at does I git dese fixed up?"
"No place. Hang de coat up. Sprinkle de pants wid wateh an' lay 'em
undeh a pile ob sheets in de linen closet. By mornin' dey's pressed.
You charges anotheh dollah."
"Sho' is easy money." The Wildcat hung the Britisher's coat and vest in
the smoking room. He walked into the passageway and opened the door of
the linen closet. A four-legged cyclone burst from the dark depths of
the linen closet. Riding the cyclone was a bedraggled parrot. The
parrot showed the wear and tear of travel.
The Wildcat called loudly at the cyclone.
"Lily, halt! 'Tenshun! Whah at's de mil'tary bearin' you got in France?
Come heah!"
The mascot walked to the Wildcat's side. From Lily's cringing back the
Wildcat lifted the battle-scarred parrot.
The Wildcat boosted Lily back into the solitude of the linen closet.
"Lily, 'tenshun. At ease! At res'!"
The goat executed the commands with the military precision which had
come from long months of training in the A.E.F.
"'Tenshun! At ease. One mo' false move an' I th'ows you oveh-boa'd off
de train."
The Wildcat retrieved a piece of string and turned his attention to the
parrot. "You green debbil. Lay off 'at goat. Ah ties you on de top
shelf. One mo' move an' us has fricasseed green chicken afteh de dinin'
cah man gits you."
"'Tenshun!" mocked the parrot. "At ease!" Lily, prone in the depths of
the linen closet, obeyed the commands.
The Wildcat tied the string around the parrot's leg. "Dere, dat holds
you, an quit mockin' me befo' I knocks yo' beak down yo' throat."
"At rest!" the parrot gurgled.
The Wildcat closed the door of the linen closet. The parrot lost no
time in biting the string loose from about her leg, after which she
rejoined her four-legged companion.
"'Tenshun!" she squawked. "At res'! Tenshun! At res'!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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