You must struggle, therefore, against yourself. Summon all your energy;
think only of your duties.
As to me, my darling, your know that I suffered yesterday even more than
you can imagine. I shall tell you how much some day, when we are once
more happy and united. For the present I hope but one thing. Since I am
useless to you here, and since, on the other hand, the search for the
guilty man will, I fear, be a long one, I hope to be sent down there
soon, and under the best conditions possible to wait there with you
until the combined efforts of all our relations shall have been
successful. The life of the prison cell is wearing me out, and I ask but
one thing, to be sent down there as soon as possible. I was heart-broken
this morning because I did not get any letters. Happily, at 2 o’clock,
the director of the prison brought me a package of good letters, which
gave me much pleasure. They have been the one ray of joy in my wretched
cell. Will you please send me my travelling rug, for it is very cold in
our cells.
Try to obtain permission to see me as soon as possible.
I embrace you a thousand times.
ALFRED.
Good kisses to the poor darlings.
* * * * *
_7 o’clock in the evening._
My God, how sorrowful is my soul! What in all my life have I done that I
should be thus punished? The wretch who has committed the crime of
betraying me, the wretch through whom I am lost, deserves, if there is a
God, a terrible chastisement. He deserves to be punished through all he
loves. In the name of my poor children I curse him.
_Monday, 5 P. M., 7 January, 1895._
My Darling:
I have borne for your sake, my adored one, for the name which my dear
children bear, the most agonizing, the most appalling, of calvaries for
a heart that is pure and honorable. I ask myself how I am yet alive.
That which sustained me is, above all else, the hope that I shall soon
be united to you down there. Then, though innocent as I am, but
sustained as I shall be by your profound love, I shall have the patience
to await in exile the vindication of my name. There, too, I shall work,
I shall be busy. I shall impose silence upon my heart and my brain by
force of physical fatigue. But in my prison it would be difficult to
live, for my thought always brings me fatally back to my condition.
They have not given me any letter from you to-day; do not be anxious, my
darling, if my letters do not reach you regularly. I will write to you
every day as long as I am permitted to.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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