At last the happy day has come again when I can have the happiness of seeing you, of kissing you, of receiving news by word of mouth of you all. I have so many things to tell you; but when I see you shall not I again, in the emotion which will seize me, forget everything? Last night again I could not sleep until two o’clock. I was thinking of you, of you all, of this fearful enigma which I long to decipher. I have turned over in my mind a thousand ways, each more violent, more extravagant than the other, by which to rend the veil which shields the monster. How can I help it, my darling? Night and day I think only of that. My mind is always straining to reach that end, and I cannot help you in any way. It is the feeling of my utter helplessness which hurts me most. I try hard to read, but while my eyes follow the lines my thoughts wander. And now, immediately, my darling, I am to have the joy of seeing you! Waiting for that moment, I pace my cell like a lion in its cage. * * * * * _14 January, 1895, 1 o’clock._ The time drags slowly; the minutes are hours. How can I use up my energy! How can I restrain my heart! Sometimes I lose my patience. It is not the courage, the energy that I lack--you know it well--and my conscience gives me superhuman force, but it is this terrible idleness, this longing to be able to help you to pursue the only object of my life, to discover the wretch who has stolen my honor; this is what burns in my blood. Ah, I would rather mount alone to the assault of ten redoubts than be here powerless, inactive, waiting passively for the truth to be revealed! I envy the man who breaks stones on the highway, absorbed in his mechanical labor. But, my darling, I shall soon see you now, and you will give me back my patience. * * * * * _3 o’clock._ Already the time has passed as in a dream, ... and I had so many things to tell you, ... and then when I am [Illustration: CAPTAIN ALFRED DREYFUS This portrait is enlarged from a photograph taken on the occasion of his degradation.] in your presence I look at you, I no longer can remember anything. All that happens to me then appears a dream; it seems to me that never again shall we be separated--that I am awaking from my horrible nightmare. But alas! then comes reality--our parting. Ah, the wretch who committed the crime--who stole our honor! It is no ordinary punishment that he deserves. When the day comes and his guilt is known I hope that public opinion may nail his name to the pillory of history, that his punishment may be beyond all that we can imagine. I ask you to forgive me for my weakness, for my impatience. But think, my darling, what these long hours are to me--these long days. But I am calmer after each interview. I draw new strength, a new store of patience from your looks, from your love.