"I know nothing about your business. How can I tell if I spend too
much?"
"Make your mind easy; I'll keep you posted," he laughed. _He_ was
not bothering about dangerous ground.
"Doubtless,"--dryly. "But if I spend too little?"
"Not you."
He did mean it! He didn't care! The half-truth fanned the slow fire
growing within her into sudden flame. Judith turned, stammering over
the dammed rush of replies.
"My dear, my dear!" he deprecated, amused. "How easily you lose your
temper lately, every time there is a discussion of expenses! Why
excite yourself?" Why, indeed? Anger put her at a disadvantage, and
making her half wrong, half made him right. "I don't say I
particularly blame you, but you see for yourself you don't keep your
balance, and it's mistaken kindness to tempt any woman's natural
feminine weakness for luxury and display."
The retorts were so obvious they were hopeless. She stood looking at
him.
His eyebrows lifted; he shrugged his shoulders, went out, and forgot.
Why any of it, indeed? There was no bridge of speech between alien
minds. Their life was a continual game of cross-questions and silly
answers. Their natures were antipodal; he had the faults that annoyed
her most; his virtues were those least compensating.
Was her dream of influencing the children a superstition too, then?
The children! They slipped the house whenever possible; avoided their
father with an almost physical effect of dodging an expected blow;
when with him, watched his mood to forestall with hasty attention or
divert with strained wit, with timorous hilarity when he proved
complaisant. The possibilities for harm to them were numberless. She
and Sam were losing the children, and the children were losing
everything.
For years they had been a physical and mental outlet for her nature.
That love had no question of reciprocity or merit. She had always been
willing for them. Only it seemed to her all the rest of love should
come first. It occurred to her ironically how happy her marriage would
have been without her husband.
What was his love worth? It was only taxation--taxation without
representation. Had either of them any real love left?
Suddenly she stood on the brink of black emptiness. To live without
love; her whole nature, every life-habit, changed! _Oh, no, no,
no_! So the cold water sets the suicide struggling for shore.
Dear, dear! This would not do. Her nerves were getting the best of
her; she was losing her own dignity and sweetness--was on the verge of
a breakdown.
But to say so would be to invoke doctors, pointless questions, futile
drugs, and a period of acute affection from Sam--affection that took
the form chiefly of expecting it of her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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