Burns and Sir Walter wrote beautiful lines about their native land, and thousands of tourists came and circulated their money there. _It would be telling us_ if writers would imitate these great patriots in our day." Many of the young scribes on the mainland can also indulge in a deal of brilliant irrelevancy. One of them being asked to write an essay on "Rivers," began thus: "_In ancient times, the chief use of rivers was for the baptizing of converts_." Another, in the course of a short life of King Alfred, made a strong point of that monarch's humility, adding, "In order to discover the plans of the Danes, he demeaned himself so far as to go to their camp _disguised as a poet_." The annual blue book of the Scotch Education Department used to include a recreative series of howlers that had been sent up in the various reports of the Government Inspectors. These tit-bits were well calculated to keep up the gaiety of nations. Of late years these howlers have been excised, but if Scotland had Home Rule they might re-appear. The finer attenuations of speech are unknown to the soaring human boy. I was shown an essay on Ireland the other day in which the young writer compendiously remarked, "_The Irish are a bloodthirsty, lazy, and resentful race_." On Wordsworth, another juvenile critic thus expressed himself: "_Wordsworth's compositions are utter bosh_." The following extract is from an "Essay on the '15": "_The Rising of '15 was a failure because the Old Pretender was an unmitigated ass. Fancy an ass trying to take charge of a Rebellion!_" A genial gentleman, Mr. Sneyd-Kynnersley, who retired from the Inspectorate some years ago, published in 1908 a book of choice reminiscences, containing some good specimens of schoolboy answers. Some of his howlers have long been known in the North: but a howler (like history) is wont to repeat itself. I saw in a Paisley boy's essay on Lambert Simnel the following sentence: "Lambert Simnel was a claimant for the English crown, and went about the country boasting that he was one of the princes who had been murdered in the Tower." Mr. Kynnersley's examinee wrote thus: "Prince Charles Edward claimed to be one of the little princes murdered in the Tower. He was found to be a deceiver, and was put into the king's kitchen to work." A boy once told Mr. Kynnersley that _a quorum is a question asked at a meeting which the chairman is unable to answer_. I saw a definition of paradox, equally absurd: "_A paradox is something which is apparently not what it seems to be_."