Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II — John Shaqi
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
General
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
American wit and humor
"Nothing?" The Colonel had to get up and stand, to get room for his
amazement to expand. "_Nothing_, Washington? I ask you this: to be a
Perpetual Member and the _only_ Perpetual Member of a Diplomatic Body
accredited to the greatest country on earth--do you call that nothing?"
It was Washington's turn to be amazed. He was stricken dumb; but the
wide-eyed wonder, the reverent admiration expressed in his face, were
more eloquent than any words could have been. The Colonel's wounded
spirit was healed, and he resumed his seat, pleased and content. He
leaned forward and said impressively:
"What was due to a man who had become forever conspicuous by an
experience without precedence in the history of the world--a man
made permanently and diplomatically sacred, so to speak, by having
been connected, temporarily, through solicitation, with every
single diplomatic post in the roster of this Government, from Envoy
Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to the Court of St.
James's all the way down to Consul to a guano rock in the Straits
of Sunda--salary payable in guano--which disappeared by volcanic
convulsion the day before they got down to my name in the list of
applicants? Certainly something august enough to be answerable to the
size of this unique and memorable experience was my due, and I got it.
By the common voice of this community, by acclamation of the people,
that mighty utterance which brushes aside laws and legislation, and
from whose decrees there is no appeal, I was named Perpetual Member
of the Diplomatic Body representing the multifarious sovereignties
and civilizations of the globe near the republican court of the
United States of America. And they brought me home with a torchlight
procession."
"It is wonderful, Colonel----simply wonderful."
"It's the loftiest official position in the whole earth."
"I should think so--and the most commanding."
"You have named the word. Think of it! I frown, and there is war; I
smile, and contending nations lay down their arms."
"It is awful. The responsibility, I mean."
"It is nothing. Responsibility is no burden to me; I am used to it;
have always been used to it."
"And the work--the work! Do you have to attend all the sittings?"
"Who, I? Does the Emperor of Russia attend the conclaves of the
Governors of the provinces? He sits at home and indicates his pleasure."
Washington was silent a moment, then a deep sigh escaped him.
"How proud I was an hour ago; how paltry seems my little promotion
now! Colonel, the reason I came to Washington is--I am Congressional
Delegate from Cherokee Strip!"
The Colonel sprang to his feet and broke out with prodigious enthusiasm:
"Give me your hand, my boy--this is immense news! I congratulate you
with all my heart. My prophecies stand firm. I always said it was in
you. I always said you were born for high distinction and would achieve
it. You ask Polly if I didn't."
Washington was dazed by this most unexpected demonstration.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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