Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
General
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
American wit and humor
"I shall have trouble with this tooth," thought Tushmaker, but he
clapped on his heaviest forceps and pulled. It didn't come. Then he
tried the turn-screw, exerting his utmost strength, but the tooth
wouldn't stir. "Go away from here," said Tushmaker to Byles, "and
return in a week, and I'll draw that tooth for you or know the reason
why." Byles got up, clapped a handkerchief to his jaw, and put
forth. Then the dentist went to work, and in three days he invented
an instrument which he was confident would pull anything. It was a
combination of the lever, pulley, wheel and axle, inclined plane,
wedge and screw. The castings were made, and the machine put up in the
office, over an iron chair rendered perfectly stationary by iron rods
going down into the foundations of the granite building. In a week
old Byles returned; he was clamped into the iron chair, the forceps
connected with the machine attached firmly to the tooth, and Tushmaker,
stationing himself in the rear, took hold of a lever four feet in
length. He turned it slightly. Old Byles gave a groan and lifted his
right leg. Another turn, another groan, and up went the leg again.
"What do you raise your leg for?" asked the Doctor.
"I can't help it," said the patient.
"Well," rejoined Tushmaker, "that tooth is bound to come out now."
He turned the lever clear round with a sudden jerk, and snapped old
Byles's head clean and clear from his shoulders, leaving a space of
four inches between the severed parts!
They had a _post-mortem_ examination--the roots of the tooth were found
extending down the right side, through the right leg, and turning up in
two prongs under the sole of the right foot!
"No wonder," said Tushmaker, "he raised his right leg."
The jury thought so, too, but they found the roots much decayed; and
five surgeons swearing that mortification would have ensued in a few
months, Tushmaker was cleared on a verdict of "justifiable homicide."
He was a little shy of that instrument for some time afterward; but one
day an old lady, feeble and flaccid, came in to have a tooth drawn, and
thinking it would come out very easy, Tushmaker concluded, just by way
of variety, to try the machine. He did so, and at the first turn drew
the old lady's skeleton completely and entirely from her body, leaving
her a mass of quivering jelly in her chair! Tushmaker took her home in
a pillow-case.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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