Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
General
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
American wit and humor
When Mr. Tooter Williams entered the gilded halls of the Thompson
Street Poker Club Saturday evening it was evident that fortune had
smeared him with prosperity. He wore a straw hat with a blue ribbon,
an expression of serene content, and a glass amethyst on his third
finger whose effulgence irradiated the whole room and made the envious
eyes of Mr. Cyanide Whiffles stand out like a crab's. Besides these
extraordinary furbishments, Mr. Williams had his mustache waxed
to fine points and his back hair was precious with the luster and
richness which accompany the use of the attar of Third Avenue roses
combined with the bear's grease dispensed by basement barbers on that
fashionable thoroughfare.
In sharp contrast to this scintillating entrance was the coming of
the Reverend Mr. Thankful Smith, who had been disheveled by the heat,
discolored by a dusty evangelical trip to Coney Island, and oppressed
by an attack of malaria which made his eyes bloodshot and enriched his
respiration with occasional hiccoughs and that steady aroma which is
said to dwell in Weehawken breweries.
The game began at eight o'clock, and by nine and a series of two-pair
hands and bull luck Mr. Gus Johnson was seven dollars and a nickel
ahead of the game, and the Reverend Mr. Thankful Smith, who was
banking, was nine stacks of chips and a dollar bill on the wrong side
of the ledger. Mr. Cyanide Whiffles was cheerful as a cricket over four
winnings amounting to sixty-nine cents; Professor Brick was calm, and
Mr. Tooter Williams was gorgeous and hopeful, and laying low for the
first jackpot, which now came. It was Mr. Whiffles's deal, and feeling
that the eyes of the world were upon him, he passed around the cards
with a precision and rapidity which were more to his credit than the I.
O. U. from Mr. Williams which was left over from the previous meeting.
Professor Brick had nine high and declared his inability to make an
opening.
Mr. Williams noticed a dangerous light come into the Reverend Mr.
Smith's eye and hesitated a moment, but having two black jacks and a
pair of trays, opened with the limit.
"I liffs yo' jess tree dollahs, Toot," said the Reverend Mr. Smith,
getting out the wallet and shaking out a wad.
Mr. Gus Johnson, who had a four flush and very little prudence, came
in. Mr. Whiffles sighed and fled.
Mr. Williams polished the amethyst, thoroughly examining a scratch on
one of its facets, adjusted his collar, skinned his cards, stealthily
glanced again at the expression of the Reverend Mr. Smith's eye, and
said he would "Jess--jess call."
Mr. Whiffles supplied the wants of the gentlemen from the pack with
the mechanical air of a man who had lost all hope in a hereafter. Mr.
Williams wanted one card, the Reverend Mr. Smith said he'd take about
three, and Mr. Gus Johnson expressed a desire for a club, if it was not
too much trouble.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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