“My father had two trades, or two strings to his bow; he was a painter and a gamester, and master much alike at both; for his painting could scarcely rise so high as a sign-post, and his hand at play was of such an ancient date, that it could scarcely pass. He had one misfortune, which, like original sin, he entailed upon all his children; and that was, his being born a gentleman, which is as bad as being a poet, few of whom escape eternal poverty. “My mother had the misfortune to die longing for mushrooms. Besides myself she left two daughters, both very handsome and very young; and though I was then young myself, yet I was much better skilled in sharping than my age seemed to promise. When the funeral sermon was preached, the funeral rites performed, and our tears dried up, my father returned to his daubing, my sisters to their stitching, and I was despatched to school. I had such an excellent memory, that though my dispositions were then what they have continued to be, yet I soon learned as much as might have been applied to better purposes than I have done. My tricks upon my master and my companions were so numerous, that I obtained the honorable appellation of the Little Judas. My avaricious disposition soon appeared, and if my covetous eyes once beheld any thing, my invention soon put it into my possession. These, however, I could not obtain gratis, for they cost me many a boxing bout every day. The reports of my conduct were conveyed home, and my eldest sister would frequently spend her white hands upon the side of my pate; and sometimes even carried her admonitions so far, as politely to inform me, that I would prove a disgrace to the family. “It was my good fortune, however, not to be greatly agitated by her remonstrances, which went in at the one ear and out at the other. It happened, however, that my adventures were so numerous, and daily increasing in their magnitude, that I was dismissed the school with as much solemnity as if it had been by beat of drum. After giving me a complete drubbing, my father carried me to a barber, in order to be bound as his apprentice. I was first sent to the kitchen, where my mistress soon provided me with employment, by showing me a parcel of dirty clothes, informing me, that it made part of the apprentice’s work to clean them: ‘Jemmy,’ said she, ‘mind your heels, there’s a good boy!’ I hung down my head, tumbled all the clouts into a trough, and washed them as well as I could. I so managed the matter, that I was soon discarded from my office, which was very fortunate for me, for it would have put an end to Jemmy in less than a fortnight.