“It's because I am alone, day after day, week in and week out,” she went
on. “In a way, I don't mind it--under the circumstances I prefer to be
alone, really. I mean, I wouldn't want any of my people near me. But one
has too much time to think. I tell you this because I feel I ought to let
you know that you were right that time; I don't suppose you even remember
it! But I do. Once last fall--the first time you came to the ranch--you
know, the time I met you at the spring, you seemed to see that this big,
lonesome country was a little too much for me. I resented it then. I didn't
want any one to tell me what I refused to admit to myself. I was trying so
hard to like it--it seemed my only hope, you see. But now I'll tell you you
were right.
“Sometimes I feel very wicked about it. Sometimes I don't care. And
sometimes I--I feel I shall go crazy if I can't talk to some one. Nobody
comes here, except Polycarp Jenks. The only woman I know really well in
the country is Arline Hawley. She's good as gold, but--she's intensely
practical; you can't tell her your troubles--not unless they're concrete
and have to do with your physical well-being. Arline lacks imagination.”
She laughed again shortly.
“I don't know why I'm taking it for granted you don't,” she said. “You
think I'm talking pore nonsense, don't you, Mr. Cowboy?” She turned full
toward him, and her yellow-brown eyes challenged him, begged him for
sympathy and understanding, held him at bay--but most of all they set his
blood pounding sullenly in his veins. He got unsteadily to his feet.
“You seem to pass up a lot of things that count, or you wouldn't say that,”
he reminded her huskily. “That night in town, just after the fire, for
instance. And here, that same afternoon. I tried to jolly you out of
feeling bad, both those times; but you know I understood. You know damn'
_well_ I understood! And you know I was sorry. And if you don't know, I'd
do anything on God's green earth--” He turned sharply away from her and
stood kicking savagely backward at a clod with his rowel. Then he felt
her hand touch his arm, and started. After that he stood perfectly still,
except that he quivered like a frightened horse.
“Oh, it doesn't mean much to you--you have your life, and you're a man, and
can do things when you want to. But I do so need a friend! Just somebody
who understands, to whom I can talk when that is the only thing will keep
me sane. You saved my life once, so I feel--no, I don't mean that. It isn't
because of anything you did; it's just that I feel I can talk to you more
freely than to any one I know. I don't mean whine. I hope I'm not a whiner.
If I've blundered, I'm willing to--to take my medicine, as you would say.
But if I can feel that somewhere in this big, empty country just one person
will always feel kindly toward me, and wish me well, and be sorry for we
when I--when I'm miserable, and--” She could not go on. She pressed her
lips together tightly, and winked back the tears.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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