There was only one other matter of which she had asked, namely, the
effect of the new decree; but the nurse did not seem to know much about
that. It appeared that there had been an outrage or two, but the law had
not yet been enforced to any great extent; a week, after all, was a
short time, even though the decree had taken effect at once, and
magistrates were beginning the prescribed census.
* * * * *
It seemed to her as she lay awake this morning, staring at the tinted
ceiling, and out now and again at the quiet little room, that the heat
was worse than ever. For a minute she thought she must have overslept;
but, as she touched her repeater, it told her that it was scarcely after
four o’clock. Well, well; she would not have to bear it much longer; she
thought that about eight it would be time to make an end. There was her
letter to Oliver yet to be written; and one or two final arrangements to
be made.
As regarded the morality of what she was doing-the relation, that is to
say, which her act bore to the common life of man--she had no shadow of
doubt. It was her belief, as of the whole Humanitarian world, that just
as bodily pain occasionally justified this termination of life, so also
did mental pain. There was a certain pitch of distress at which the
individual was no longer necessary to himself or the world; it was the
most charitable act that could be performed. But she had never thought
in old days that that state could ever be hers; Life had been much too
interesting. But it had come to this: there was no question of it.
* * * * *
Perhaps a dozen times in that week she had thought over her conversation
with Mr. Francis. Her going to him had been little more than
instinctive; she did just wish to hear what the other side was--whether
Christianity was as ludicrous as she had always thought. It seemed that
it was not ludicrous; it was only terribly pathetic. It was just a
lovely dream--an exquisite piece of poetry. It would be heavenly to
believe it, but she did not. No--a transcendent God was unthinkable,
although not quite so unthinkable as a merely immeasurable Man. And as
for the Incarnation--well, well!
There seemed no way out of it. The Humanity-Religion was the only one.
Man was God, or at least His highest manifestation; and He was a God
with which she did not wish to have anything more to do. These faint new
instincts after something other than intellect and emotion were, she
knew perfectly well, nothing but refined emotion itself.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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