_M._ Hear then the facts which with self-seeing eyes I witnessed, not receiving from another. For when I came within those doors august Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant The boon of honour which the women ask, Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont Tides of opinion flowed in different ways, Until obeying some divine decree (This is a Nominative Absolute) The hollow-bellied circle of a hat Received their votes (and now, but not till now, Observe my true apodosis begin)-- Arithmetic, supreme of sciences, Proclaimed that persons to the number of One thousand seven hundred and thirteen Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please), While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two, Voted for Placet on the other side; Who, being worsted, come as suppliants With boughs and fillets and the rest complete, Winging the booted oarage of their feet Within your gates: the obscurantist rout Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out! Such is my tale: its truth should you deny, I simply answer, that you tell a lie. CHORUS Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go? Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn, All to escape the recalcitrant don? In what peaceful shade reclined Shall the cultured female mind E'er remunerated be By a Bachelor's Degree? _Pheu, pheu_! [1] Whence, O whence (here the antistrophe ought to commence), Whence shall we the privilege seek Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek? Shall we tear our waving locks? Shall we rend our Sunday frocks? No, 'tis plain that nothing can Melt the so-called heart of man. While with loud triumphant pealings Ring his cries of horrid joy, Let us vent our outraged feelings In a wild _otototoi_-- [2] Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy, Makes one utter exclamations such as _ototototoi_! [2] _Enter_ PROFESSOR PLACET I ask you, ye intolerable creatures, Why raise this wholly execrable din, O objects of dislike to the discreet? Six hundred persons, also sixty-two (Almost the very number of the Beast) Have voted for you, and defend your gates. Moreover, mark my subtle argument:-- When gates are locked no person can get in Without unlocking them: your gates are locked, And I have got the key: so that, unless I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in. This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this Is not Pure Reason, _I_ don't know what is. CHORUS Holy Reason! sacred _Nous_! [3] Thou that hast for ever parted From the Cambridge Senate House, Make, O make us valiant hearted! Wisdom, still residing here, Calm our mind and chase our fear While with wild discordant clamour On our College gate they hammer! [_Confused Noise without._]