SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it. DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The similarity of our position grows with every instant. SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins. DOCTOR. [_More good-humouredly._] Well, what is a model public-house? Do you mean a toy? SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and drink it decently. Do you call that a toy? DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to your cloth, I will say a miracle. SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a priest. How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does not allow them to feast? DOCTOR. [_Bitterly._] And when you have done feasting them, you will send them to me to be cured. SMITH. Yes; and when you've done curing them you'll send them to me to be buried. DOCTOR. [_After a pause, laughing._] Well, you have all the old doctrines. It is only fair you should have all the old jokes too. SMITH. [_Laughing also._] By the way, you call it a conjuring trick that poor people should drink moderately. DOCTOR. I call it a chemical discovery that alcohol is not a food. SMITH. You don't drink wine yourself? DOCTOR. [_Mildly startled._] Drink wine! Well--what else is there to drink? SMITH. So drinking decently is a conjuring trick that you can do, anyhow? DOCTOR. [_Still good-humouredly._] Well, well, let us hope so. Talking about conjuring tricks, there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things here this afternoon. SMITH. Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that? _Enter_ HASTINGS _with a letter in each hand._ HASTINGS. His Grace will be with you presently. He asked me to deal with the business matter first of all. [_He gives a note to each of them._ SMITH. [_Turning eagerly to the_ DOCTOR.] But this is rather splendid. The Duke's given L50 to the new public-house. HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal. [_Collects papers._ DOCTOR. [_Examining his cheque._] Very. But this is rather curious. He has also given L50 to the league for opposing the new public-house. HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal-minded. [_Exit._ SMITH. [_Staring at his cheque._] Liberal-minded!... Absent-minded, I should call it. DOCTOR. [_Sitting down and lighting a cigar._] Well, yes. The Duke does suffer a little from absence [_puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls during the pause_] of mind. He is all for compromise. Don't you know the kind of man who, when you talk to him about the five best breeds of dog, always ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the kindest of men, and always trying to please everybody. He generally finishes by pleasing nobody. SMITH. Yes; I think I know the sort of thing.