But who had taught him to walk like that? The old Harry! Most men, and
women too, crept through life like sneaks. What gave them the sense
of being such underlings, such dogs? Were they constantly besmearing
themselves with accusations of guilt and, if that was it, what made
them do it?
The old man in the road, the sailor walking off along a street, a negro
prize fighter he had once seen driving an automobile, a gambler at the
horse races in a Southern city, who walked wearing a loud checkered
vest before a grandstand filled with people, a woman actress he had
once seen coming out at the stage entrance of a theatre, reprobates all
perhaps and all walking with the stride of kings.
What had given such men and women this respect for themselves? It was
apparent respect for self must be at the bottom of the matter. Perhaps
they hadn’t at all the sense of guilt and shame that had made of the
slender girl he had once married the heavy inarticulate woman now
squatted so grotesquely on the floor at his feet. One could imagine
some such person as he had in mind saying to himself, “Well, here I
am, you see, in the world. I have this long or short body, this brown
or yellow hair. My eyes are of a certain color. I eat food, I sleep at
night. I shall have to spend the whole of my life going about among
people in this body of mine. Shall I crawl before them or shall I walk
upright like a king? Shall I hate and fear my own body, this house in
which I must live, or shall I respect and care for it? Well, the devil!
The question is not worth answering. I shall take life as it offers
itself. For me the birds shall sing, the green spread itself over the
earth in the spring, for me the cherry tree in the orchard shall bloom.”
John Webster had a fanciful picture of the man of his fancy going into
a room. He closed the door. A row of candles stood on a mantle above a
fireplace. The man opened a box and took from it a silver crown. Then
he laughed softly and put the crown on his own head. “I crown myself a
man,” he said.
* * * * *
It was amazing. One was in a room looking at a woman who had been one’s
wife, and one was about to set out on a journey and would not see her
again. Of a sudden there was a blinding rush of thoughts. One’s fancy
played far and wide. One seemed to have been standing in one spot
thinking thoughts for hours, but in reality only a few seconds had
passed since the voice of his wife, calling out that word, “don’t,” had
interrupted his own voice telling a tale of an ordinary unsuccessful
marriage.
The thing now was to keep his daughter in mind. He had better get her
out of the room now. She was moving toward the door to her own room and
in a moment would be gone. He turned away from the white-faced woman on
the floor and watched his daughter. Now his own body was thrust between
the bodies of the two women. They could not see each other.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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