“I have no doubt I am insane,” he told himself, “but as long as I am it
might as well be a purposeful insanity. I haven’t been liking this room
or the clothes I wear. Now I have taken the clothes off and perhaps I
can in some way purify the room a bit. As for my walking about in the
streets and letting my fancy play over many people in their houses,
that will be all right in its turn too, but at present my problem
lies in this house. There have been many years of stupid living in
the house and in this room. Now I shall keep up this ceremony; making
myself nude and walking up and down here before the Virgin, until
neither my wife nor my daughter can keep up her silence. They will
break in here some night quite suddenly and then I will say what I have
to say before I go away with Natalie.”
“As for you, my Virgin, I dare say I shall not offend you,” he said
aloud, turning and bowing to the woman within her frame. She looked
steadily at him as Natalie might have looked and he kept smiling at
her. It seemed quite clear to him now what his course in life was to
be. He reasoned it all out slowly. In a way he did not, at the time,
need much sleep. Just letting go of himself, as he was doing, was a
kind of resting.
In the meantime he walked naked and with bare feet up and down the room
trying to plan out his future life. “I accept the notion that I am at
present insane and only hope I shall remain so,” he told himself. After
all, it was quite apparent that the sane people about were not getting
such joy out of life as himself. There was this matter of his having
brought the Virgin into his own naked presence and having set her up
under the candles. For one thing the candles spread a soft glowing
light through the room. The clothes he habitually wore and that he had
learned to dislike because they had been made not for himself, but for
some impersonal being, in some clothing factory, were now hung away,
out of sight in the closet. “The gods have been good to me. I am not
very young any more, but for some reason I have not let my body get
fat or gross,” he thought going into the circle of candle-light and
looking long and earnestly at himself.
In the future and after the nights when his walking thus back and
forth in the room had forced itself upon the attention of his wife and
daughter until they were compelled to break in upon him, he would take
Natalie with him and go away. He had provided himself with a little
money, enough so that they could live for a few months. The rest would
be left to his wife and daughter. After he and Natalie had got clear of
the town they would go off somewhere, perhaps to the West. Then they
would settle down somewhere and work for their living.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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