He had tried hard to think everything out clearly. What she had wanted
was that there be no love-making between them except for the purpose of
breeding children. If one went about the business of bringing children
into the world, making new citizens for the state and all that, then
one could feel a certain dignity in love-making. She had tried to
explain how humiliated and mean she had felt that day when he had come
into her naked presence. For the first time they had talked of that.
It had been made ten times, a thousand times worse because he had
come the second time and the others had seen him. The clean moment of
their relationship was denied with determined insistence. After that
had happened she could not bear to remain in the company of her girl
friend and, as for her friend’s brother--well, how could she ever look
into his face again? Whenever he looked at her he would be seeing her
not properly clothed as she should be, but shamelessly naked and on a
bed with a naked man holding her in his arms. She had been compelled
to get out of the house, go home at once, and of course, when she
got home, every one wondered what had happened that her visit had
come to such an abrupt end. The trouble was that when her mother was
questioning her, on the day after her arrival home, she suddenly burst
into tears.
What they thought after that she did not know. The truth was that she
had begun to be afraid of every one’s thoughts. When she went into her
bedroom at night she was almost ashamed to look at her own body and had
got into the habit of undressing in the darkness. Her mother was always
dropping remarks. “Did your coming home so suddenly have anything to do
with the young man in that house?”
After she had come home, and because she began to feel so ashamed of
herself in the presence of other people, she had decided she would join
a church, a decision that had pleased her father, who was a devout
church member. The whole incident had in fact drawn her and her father
closer together. Perhaps that was because, unlike her mother, he never
bothered her with embarrassing questions.
Anyway she had made up her mind that if she ever married she would try
to make her marriage a pure thing, based on comradeship, and she had
felt that after all she must marry John Webster if he ever repeated his
proposal of marriage. After what had happened that was the only right
thing for them both to do and now that they were married it would be
right also for them to try and make up for the past by leading clean
pure lives and trying never to give way to the animal impulses that
shocked and frightened people.
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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