Certainly, I can stop if you like. But you do see what I mean, don't
you? The imagination is something that runs away with you. If I were to
let mine get away with me, it would knock this old autobiography all to
splinters.
But I do not appear to have the kind of imagination that makes me know
what will hurt people's feelings. If I love people I always tell them
what their worst faults are, and repeat what everybody says about them
behind their back. That ought to make people say: "Thank you, Marge, for
your kind words. They will help me to improve myself." It has not
happened yet. It is my miraculous power of criticism that causes the
trouble. Whenever I let it off the lead it seems to bite somebody; a
muzzle has been suggested.
The other day I said to Popsie Bantam: "You're quite right to bob your
hair, Popsie. When you have not got enough of anything, always try to
persuade people that you want less. But your rouge-et-noir make-up is
right off the map. If you could manage to get some of the colours in
some of the right places, people would laugh less. And I can never quite
decide whether it's your clothes that are all wrong, or if it's just
your figure. I wish you'd tell me. Anyhow, you should try for a job at a
photographer's--you're just the girl for a dark-room."
Really, that's all I said--just affectionate, lambent, helpful
criticism, with a little Tarragon in it. Yet next day when I met her on
the staircase she said she didn't want to talk to me any more. So I
heaved her over the balustrade and she had a forty-foot drop on to the
marble below. I am too impulsive--I have always said so. Rather a
pathetic touch was that she died just as the ambulance reached the
hospital. I have lost quite a lot of nice friends in this way.
With the exception of a few teeny-weeny murders, I do not think I have
done anything in my life that I regret. And even the murders--such as
they were--were more the fault of my circumstances than of myself. If,
as I have always wished, I had lived alone on a desert island, I should
never have killed anybody at all. But when you go into the great world
(basement entrance) and have a bad night, or the flies are troublesome,
you do get a feeling of passionate economy; you realize that there are
people you can do without, and you do without them. This is the whole
truth about a little failing of which my detractors have made the most.
Calumny and exaggeration have been carried to such an extent that more
than once I have been accused of being habitually irritable.
My revered model wrote that she had always been a collector "of letters,
old photographs of the family, famous people and odds and ends." I have
not gone quite as far as this.
I have collected odds, and almost every autumn I roam over the moors and
fill a large basket with them, but I have never collected ends.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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