Assembled again on Saturday morning, we begin by preparing our "rolling agenda," as one of the trainee couples called it, in order to keep a record of what the group members want to talk about. The aspects of marriage they want to include for discussion before the weekend is over gives us clues to the issues that are important to them. The list with which one of our trainee couples started their retreat was: What is the state of our marriage now? How have things changed as our relationship has grown? What are the memorable experiences in our lives that have enriched our marriage? What have we found to be the most effective ways of handling conflict? What do we feel about a depth relationship between one of us and another person outside the marriage? Have we found ways of sharing that have contributed to our spiritual growth? We ask the group members if they have any "concerns" explaining that if members of the group feel unhappy, or anxious, or angry, about anything that has happened, they have a duty to share their feelings with us all otherwise the fellowship will be broken. Situations have occurred in which someone had a concern that another member of the group also had and neither was expressing. As a group cannot function effectively without openness to each other on the part of its members, neither can a marriage grow without the same kind of openness between its partners. This is what every married couple should be doing every day--raising issues that need to be discussed, and being honest about disturbed or negative feelings. There is a sequence of events that is typical of most retreats. Nearly always, we begin with general discussion of some aspect of married life. At this stage we are testing each other, so we take refuge in generalizations. A common theme is the difficulties of raising children. We can all commiserate with each other about the problems of the generation gap for it is "safer" to talk about parenthood than about marriage. If the talk _does_ focus on marriage, such topics as working wives or overworked husbands or the sharing of household tasks can be discussed without risk. The group will move at its own pace from the superficial testing stage to the deeper sharing. The leaders can facilitate this process, but it isn't helpful if they try to hurry it. "Personalizing" the discussion by using such questions as "Mary, did you raise that subject because it's an issue between you and Tom?" or "I wonder if any couple could give us an example from their own experience of what Harold has been talking about?" is helpful.