“There is nothing the matter, friends,—only a little discomfort on account of the thunder-storm. I was trying to keep off the lightning.” “Thunder-storm? Lightning? Why, Mr. McWilliams, have you lost your mind? It is a beautiful starlight night; there has been no storm.” I looked out, and I was so astonished I could hardly speak for a while. Then I said,— “I do not understand this. We distinctly saw the glow of the flashes through the curtains and shutters, and heard the thunder.” One after another of those people lay down on the ground to laugh,—and two of them died. One of the survivors remarked,— “Pity you didn’t think to open your blinds and look over to the top of the high hill yonder. What you heard was cannon; what you saw was the flash. You see, the telegraph brought some news, just at midnight: Garfield’s nominated,—and that’s what’s the matter!” Yes, Mr. Twain, as I was saying in the beginning (said Mr. McWilliams), the rules for preserving people against lightning are so excellent and so innumerable that the most incomprehensible thing in the world to me is how anybody ever manages to get struck. So saying, he gathered up his satchel and umbrella, and departed; for the train had reached his town. [EXPLANATORY. I regard the idea of this play as a valuable invention. I call it the Patent Universally-Applicable Automatically-Adjustable Language Drama. This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue, and performable in any tongue. The English portions of the play are to remain just as they are, permanently; but you change the foreign portions to any language you please, at will. Do you see? You at once have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can keep on changing it from language to language, until your private theatrical pupils have become glib and at home in the speech of all nations. _Zum Beispiel_, suppose we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. First, we give Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French names. Next, we knock the German Meisterschaft sentences out of the first scene, and replace them with sentences from the French Meisterschaft-like this, for instance; “Je voudrais faire des emplettes ce matin; voulez-vous avoir l’obligeance de venir avec moi chez le tailleur français?” And so on. Wherever you find German, replace it with French, leaving the English parts undisturbed. When you come to the long conversation in the second act, turn to any pamphlet of your French Meisterschaft, and shovel in as much French talk on _any_ subject as will fill up the gaps left by the expunged German. Example—page 423 French Meisterschaft: